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Don Sims
04-25-2006, 12:42 AM
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, partner, what's the matter?" Jack asked.

"Oh man...I've been transferred to Texas," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in Texas and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Austin!"

Old Man
04-25-2006, 03:31 PM
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Old Man
04-25-2006, 03:34 PM
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, a man from near Dyer Tennessee decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman from Indiana whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert.
Four days later she became his stepmother

crxmanpat
04-25-2006, 08:28 PM
Four days later she became his stepmother
I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!

You guys are just too much. Hopefully the banter will continue once the move to TX is complete!

Old Man
04-25-2006, 10:51 PM
I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!

You guys are just too much. Hopefully the banter will continue once the move to TX is complete!
Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.:eek: This went on for several years at a different site.:D

Don Sims
04-26-2006, 01:13 AM
Hey Old Man, let's both gang up on him!! Muuuuhahahahahhahah...

Don Sims
04-26-2006, 01:17 AM
YA GOTTA LOVE TEXAS DRUNK PEOPLE

A Arazona man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken Texan,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two Tennessee guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the Texas drunk.

Old Man
04-26-2006, 01:37 AM
An Arizona cowboy has lived to an extremely old age, and one day his grandson asks him to what he attributes his long life.
"Well, you know that every morning, I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast." says the old timer. His grandson nods.
"Before I eat it, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it, everyday." The ancient cowpoke adds. The grandson decides to follow his grandfather's breakfast regimen, and each morning of his life, he has oatmeal with gunpowder sprinkled on it. Sure enough, the grandson lives to the ripe old age of 97, and when he died, he left seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

Old Man
04-26-2006, 01:39 AM
After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hussy he's runnin' around with."

Old Man
04-26-2006, 01:41 AM
Hey Old Man, let's both gang up on him!! Muuuuhahahahahhahah...
Don you have been around those kids waaaayyyyy too long.:p

crxmanpat
04-26-2006, 06:03 AM
Hey now, just because I live in AZ at the moment, doesn't mean I'm from here. So let me sidetrack you guys. I'm a Florida native, born and raised in Tallahassee. Only been in AZ for 3 years (wife's father passed, long story).

So Don, are you a UT fan? If so, I have a few good ones for you regarding some of the rivals (and being a huge FSU fan myself, some of my rivals too):


Q: Why does the St John's River flow north?

A: Because Georgia sucks!




Q: How do you get a Florida grad off your doorstep?

A: Pay him for the pizza!




Q: Why do Georgia and Florida grads put their diplomas on their dashboard?

A: To get handicapped parking, of course!

Don Sims
04-26-2006, 11:36 AM
:d :d :d

TLyttle
04-27-2006, 02:52 AM
This is funny!! I don't know if I can get this past the censors...

A Texan was on vacation in Europe with his wife, and dies of a heart attack. His wife goes home, then tries to arrange for his shipment back home. She goes to a few Funeral Homes, and all the estimates are in the 3-4 grand range, except for one. "Oh, yes madam, we can do it for under $100"

She sez, go ahead, and sure enough they call her and say her hubby is there and the cost is $34.50. "Why so cheap??" Simple, the guy sez, we just gave him an enema and mailed him back in a shoebox...

redneckflyer
05-02-2006, 02:27 AM
[quote=crxmanpat;65891]I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!

GIT-R-DONE

redneckflyer
05-02-2006, 02:28 AM
[quote=crxmanpat;65891]I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!
quote] GIT -R -DONE