The banker saw his old friend Tom, a seventy year old Watthead, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, thought that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an seventy year old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on his property, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a great idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker saw Tom in town and said 'How's the new wife?'
Tom proudly said, 'Excellent - she's pregnant!'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too!'
Never underestimate old guys! They will surprise you every time!
Walked by the neighbors house last night and realized my 72 yr old neighbor was upset. I asked "George, what is wrong?"
George said that he was in real trouble with his wife Mabel.
He proceeded to explain that today was Mabel's 71st birthday and he met her this morning as she was coming out of the shower. He said she was standing bare naked in front of the mirror crying and sobbing.
He asked her, "what is wrong dear?"
She said "I'm ugly, I'm fat and I'm wrinkly all over and I need a compliment from you right now!
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
(don't panic - I don't land the planes)
(but I've been known to lie.....)
The old guy is in a home. His buddies get together to surprise him on his birthday, and hire a prostitute. Around midnight, they sneak her into his room; she strips, then reaches over and grabs the old guy's toe and gently wakes him.
Startled, he wakes up and sees her at the end of the bed. "Uhhh, who are you? What do you want??" "My name is Samantha, and I'm here to give you some super sex..."
"Oh... gee... I just turned 90... I guess I'll just have the soup..."
Old guy gets a prescription for Viagra, takes it to the Pharmacy. Pharmacist counts out the pills, and the old guy asks to have them cut in half. Pharmacist tells him that half a pill won't give him a full erection.
Old guy says, "At 94 I don't need a full erection, I just need it out far enough so I don't pee in my slippers..."