1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
16. A group of ches s enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his od d diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. - ouch!
19. And finally, there was the person who sent nineteen different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. Oh...man!
Two lions are walking through the jungle when they come upon two men sitting under a tree.
One is terribly obese and is writing frantically on a notepad. He finishes a page, rips it out of the pad and hands it to the other guy. This guy is thin as a rail, maybe 90 lbs. dripping wet. He reads the page with equal energy and places the page in a pile.
Well, one of the lions eats the skinny guy which causes the other lion to ask;"Leo, you could of had a week's worth of meal, and you eat the guy who will barely take the edge off your appetite. Why?!?!?"
The first lion replies; "Well Linus, don't you know? Writers cramp and reader digest!"
The Tate compass was known for their very cheap product. A tyro camper bought one, went out for a hike and got totally lost. He was found hours later, and one of the rescuers asked him, "Haven't you heard? He who has a Tates is lost!"
Wow, talk about a blast from the past! OK, so here's another.
A farmer had a herd of talking horses. One day he goes to count the herd and notices one horse is missing. He asks the remaining horses what happened but none would say a word. This happened several more nights in a row, and the farmer was really getting frustrated that his horses would not tell him what was happening.
Finally, he told them that every time a horse wound up missing and they wouldn't talk, he'd weed out one horse and slaughter him. This went on until finally the farmer had no more talking horses.
The moral of the story? You can weed a horse to slaughter, but you can't make him fink!
A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken
it into his head to collect really strange and exotic pets. One
day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store
of an exotic pet shop and said to the salesman , "Show me the most
unusual pet you have in stock!"
The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of
dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may LOOK like ordinary
dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to sell by
a genetics research group studying ways to genetically reduce
aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on these
They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but
as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases, they
will live more or less forever." The man is impressed, and being
the wealthy man that he is, drops the cash to buy the dolphins and
have a suitable home for them installed in his backyard.
The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care
of them, and they frolicked about in their tank happily for nearly
fifteen years, much longer than any of his other pets had ever
The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered
leaving his multi-million dollar estate to them in his will. But
one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic.
Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas, his
precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the
only antibiotic for them had to be derived from the feathers of
the blue savannah parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of
The man didn't think twice. He called up his travel agent and
booked the next day's flight to Africa, and rented a jeep and a
guide and pack boy to help him bag some of these parrots. They
drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and trudged
into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand. After
about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and
the man decided that would be enough feather to make enough
antibiotic for his pets. So he trudges back out toward the jeep -
and freezes. A huge, stately lion had decided to take a nap right
in the middle of the path between him and the jeep. He looks over
his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled leaving
him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick on
either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion.
So he backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps
over the beast and makes a dash for the jeep and drives off for
Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and
sees some flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a
policeman steps up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're
under arrest - "
The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at
all! I need to get these parrots back so I can make a vaccine for
my dolphins so they don't die!"
"Well, sir," the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of
the problem. I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over the
stately lion for immortal porpoises."
PDE, NRI, Oracle, Cisco and CompTIA Technician and Teacher Certifications.
I DO love a good PUN
1.. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth
orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in
the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"When wild the head-wind beat,Thy sovereign Will commanding, Bring them who dare to fly, To a safe landing."
Old Native Chief had 3 sons. As they grew up, he gave them all the same advice: work hard, get a good education, and join a yacht club. One by one, the boys succeeded, had great jobs, and were generally a benefit to the community, and were charter members of the local yacht club.
One day, the old chief called the boys together to talk about their success. The lads had one question: "We understand the hard work and the education, but why did you want us in the yacht club?".
The old chief replied, "I always wanted to see my red sons in the sail set..."