1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: Do not smoke cigars unless you know how to properly cut and light them!
Ho hum, lay rubber. The most exciting car I ever drove had 215hp, and could not lay rubber, other than a neck-snapping chirp. It would also pull an honest yard and a quarter (radar confirmed) AND go around corners. Just a slightly stoked AH 100-6, but what a ride!
Another beast that couldn't lay rubber was the MB 300SL.
Keep your rubber-burners, I'm into total performance...
Warning!! All men need to learn this list, use it to your advantage.
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) �Fine : �This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) �Five Minutes: �If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) �Nothing : �This is the calm before the storm. �This means something, and you should be on your toes �Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) �Go Ahead : �This is a dare, not permission. �Don't Do It!
(5) �Loud Sigh : �This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. �A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. �(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) �
(6) �That's Okay : �This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. �That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. �
(7) �Thanks : �A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.� That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) �Whatever : �Is a woman's way of saying �F--- �YOU!
(9) �Don't worry about it, I got it : �Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' �For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
*�Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can �avoid if they remember the terminology.