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Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

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Old 03-18-2011, 01:18 AM   #1
CHELLIE
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Default I Love Humor

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.


My Reality Check bounced.

How are husbands like lawn mowers ?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

I may be getting Older, But I Refuse to grow Up I am Having to much Fun to Grow Up LOL
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Old 03-18-2011, 02:19 AM   #2
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Here you go Chellie this ones for you.


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a familymember laygravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.


It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN
.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'







The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.
Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'



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Old 03-18-2011, 02:32 AM   #3
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Good One Gramps LOL

I may be getting Older, But I Refuse to grow Up I am Having to much Fun to Grow Up LOL
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Old 03-18-2011, 02:59 AM   #4
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True story, Dolly Parton was asked if dumb blond jokes bothered her. She replied, "No. I am not a blond".


A guy took his sick wife to the doctor. Doc comes out and says to the husband: "Your wife does'nt look good"

Husband says: "Yeah I know, but she is a good cook and great with the kids"
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:05 AM   #5
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A Heart Warming Story

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. It makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty parcel. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door, and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be building a house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied... "I will if we ever get the $#%&ing bricks."

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Old 03-18-2011, 03:11 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by RightFly View Post
True story, Dolly Parton was asked if dumb blond jokes bothered her. She replied, "No. I am not a blond".


A guy took his sick wife to the doctor. Doc comes out and says to the husband: "Your wife does'nt look good"

Husband says: "Yeah I know, but she is a good cook and great with the kids"
Originally Posted by groundrushesup View Post
A Heart Warming Story

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. It makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty parcel. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door, and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be building a house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied... "I will if we ever get the $#%&ing bricks."

Good ones you Guys LOL

I may be getting Older, But I Refuse to grow Up I am Having to much Fun to Grow Up LOL
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:15 AM   #7
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I like the one that was Posted by Don Sims

Young fire fighter
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl
was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog
& her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice
fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the
wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the
firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if
you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

I may be getting Older, But I Refuse to grow Up I am Having to much Fun to Grow Up LOL
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:22 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by CHELLIE View Post
Good One Gramps LOL

I thought you would appreciate that one Chellie The ladies in the office made sure I got that in my email more than once today. Almost thought they where trying to send me a message, but I didn't want to think about it my grey matter is shiny new.
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