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Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

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Old 04-04-2011, 10:40 PM   #1
kenchiroalpha
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Talking NAVAL AVIATION MECHANIC'S TOOLS.... and their usage....

Hi

NAVAL AVIATION MECHANIC'S TOOLS.... and their usage....
  • HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
  • MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
  • ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
  • PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
  • HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  • VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.
  • WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.
  • DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
  • WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
  • HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
  • EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
  • TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
  • PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
  • SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
  • E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
  • TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
  • TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
  • CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
  • BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
  • AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
  • TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
  • PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
  • AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
  • PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  • HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Take care
Yours Hank

"When wild the head-wind beat,Thy sovereign Will commanding, Bring them who dare to fly, To a safe landing."
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Old 04-04-2011, 11:49 PM   #2
Larry3215
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hahahahaha

Yup

You forgot one important one though.

Tape measure/ruler/calipers - various measuring tools used to show exactly how much too short you cut the piece.

I think I need a signature.
Larry
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Old 04-05-2011, 12:13 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Larry3215 View Post
hahahahaha

Yup

You forgot one important one though.

Tape measure/ruler/calipers - various measuring tools used to show exactly how much too short you cut the piece.
Hi Larry
Thats a good one so happy you enjoyed that
Take care dear friend
Yours Hank

"When wild the head-wind beat,Thy sovereign Will commanding, Bring them who dare to fly, To a safe landing."
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Old 04-05-2011, 02:28 AM   #4
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LOL! Thanks, Hank. I'm printing those and posting 'em at work!
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Old 04-05-2011, 02:41 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by xmech2k View Post
LOL! Thanks, Hank. I'm printing those and posting 'em at work!
Hi
Your most welcome Happy you enjoyed them
Take care dear friend
Yours Hank

"When wild the head-wind beat,Thy sovereign Will commanding, Bring them who dare to fly, To a safe landing."
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Old 04-05-2011, 04:58 AM   #6
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I dare say one of the definitions was incomplete. I humbly offer the following correction:
TWEEZERS: used for removing splinters obtained from the eight foot long Douglas fir 2x4 you used to recover the hydraulic jack who's handle got stuck under the fender when you lowered it down.

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Old 04-06-2011, 04:32 AM   #7
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Yeah, and drillpress: an ideal memory enhancer, reminding one that the Hippy Days are gone by grabbing a hunk of long hair in the swarf, dragging one's head up to the chuck at Concussion Speed. (Happened a few times at our shop, always removing a square inch of scalp in the process...... ouch!!)
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:42 AM   #8
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Couple day ago I watched tv show about re habbin house to sell, these
guys managed to pour the concrete foundation footer 15 inches shorter
than was needed###then after repouring another one, they had to
buy new lumber because they bought cut lumber that was too short!!!
duhhhh...15 inches!!!!!
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:44 AM   #9
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No tool can fix stupid. However, almost any tool can make you look more stupid

I think I need a signature.
Larry
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