This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.
This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
You have to drink another liter of MoviPrep at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes
and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side,and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning
humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
That is the funniest absolutely true story. He tells it like it is.
Im due for my second one myself. Havent had the courage to actually schedule the appointment!
Its the muviprep Im dreading the most. His discription of the taste is actually off a little bit. I am positive it also contains antifreeze (the yellow kind) as a flavoring agent in addition to the goat piss, bowl cleaner and lime
dang that was funny! thanks NED! ive had this procedure done.actually both colonscopy and the endoscopy..didnt have to drink the nuclear gut bomb for the endo,but boy the colonscopy drink was awful...you will NOT walk to the bathroom
I had one 3 years ago. This was absolutely hilarious. Only thing different, I was AWAKE for mine. It was the most invading feeling I have ever experienced. I could FEEL the darn thing inside of me. The whole time, the Doctor was talking to me. I tried to make light of the situation and joke about whether or not I was going to get dinner out of this deal, and I asked Dr. Chervenack if he was going to hold me afterward. I mean, I felt as though I should get at least a kiss and told that I was the best. As it turned out, I had to PAY him, and I didn't get the kiss, hug, or even a brief snuggle. I feel so used.
Of course, when I found out that most are sedated for it, I was PO'd. He had asked me beforehand, but I guess that I didn't fully understand what was totally involved. I'll tell you though, you live and learn... I'll sleep through the next one!
Make matters worse, the laxative made my rear end sore from all of the "movement". Then he sticks that tube up my rear that was already on fire from the "cleaning". You feel so violated. How people could engage in activity like this in the name of "pleasure" is beyond my comprehension.
Dave's brother Sam actually has been diagnosed with colon cancer, and Dave rather movingly dedicates this column to him and to the cause of early cancer detection. There are several educational and persuasive paragraphs on either side of the above excerpt that make good motivational reading.
I am a big believer in colonoscopy since my last one found a malignant tumor about the size of a walnut. I had it removed one year ago on Saturday, December 6. Saved my life. Caught it early enough that I did not have to do anything but recover from the surgery, which is no small thing.
Now I get to have one each year for the rest of the foreseeable future.
The stuff they have me drink is some kind of terribly salty stuff. It is in a small bottle that you mix with water then chase with a lot of plain water. In about 2 hours or so you had better be close to a commode. I get to do it the night before, after fasting all day, nothing but water, and the morning of the procedure.
I am going to ask the Doc if I get a discount since I have a foot less colon and it has two less bends. I think it should be cheaper. I am also going to have the endoscopy. I hope he does it first.
Here is the message that has just been posted:
i need a count of how many folks are gonna be at the fly in at raa asap.and if BBQ sounds good for lunch.the hawkinsville fire dept is doing a bbq.it is usu pretty good.it is 8.00 a lb..i figure cheap easy quick lunch.we can go pick it up and it is already ready to eat=more time to fly.let me know what you guys think
lol i was in here when i posted that and forgot it was supposed to be in another thread roflmbo.you guys can come tho.lolol we are doing a fly in/birthday for a friend of ours from another thread. i did this too early in morning before i had coffee.sorry .. yea eat alot of bbq then go have colonscopy..the doc will get a kick out of it
Had mine done back about two years ago, as my father had polyops, and my Grandfather had problems with his phrostrate gland. Since they found the ones that can go bad in me I'm due up next year. They gave me the same stuff that MJ was taken out with, I still can't moonwalk though.
It has been 10 years since my colon cancer surgery and a while back I got to go to a colonoscopy every other year. I am used to them and am using a prep that is not so bad. None of them taste good, but it is a small price to pay for staying alive.
Everyone over 50 needs to have a baseline C and then repeat per doctors orders. It beats suffering like I have seen others suffer and die, because when it gets outside the colon, there is usually nothing that can be done.