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Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

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Old 06-26-2014, 11:56 PM   #1
Don Sims
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Default Walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What
does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos
coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and
he disappears.

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Old 06-27-2014, 12:07 AM   #2
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Default

A man walks into a bar and falls flat.

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

E-flat walks into the bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve minors here."

What do you call a Bohemian who gets tossed out of the bar? A bounced Czech.



And drumroll please................


An Irishman walks by a bar. Hey, it could happen.

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Old 06-27-2014, 12:33 AM   #3
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"
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Old 06-27-2014, 12:35 AM   #4
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse tending bar, apron and all, wiping out a glass. He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word. The horse returns the stare and breaks the silence by asking, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?" "No", the guys says, "I can't believe that the ferret sold the place."
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Old 07-02-2014, 08:48 PM   #5
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Two guys were standing at the bar when one asked, "That woman down at the end, is that Hortense?"

The other looked and replied, "I don't think so. She seems pretty relaxed to me."

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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Old 07-02-2014, 09:19 PM   #6
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Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: "You're round."
Electron: "Are you sure?"
Positron: "I'm positive."

AMA #959089
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Old 07-02-2014, 11:57 PM   #7
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Two guys walk in to a bar. The third one ducks.

(sorry, I'll let myself out)
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Old 07-03-2014, 01:33 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by NJSwede View Post
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: "You're round."
Electron: "Are you sure?"
Positron: "I'm positive."
Background knowledge or Big Bang Theory fan?
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Old 07-03-2014, 03:15 AM   #9
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Default

Originally Posted by RV Winkle View Post
Background knowledge or Big Bang Theory fan?
Both.

AMA #959089
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Old 07-03-2014, 03:34 AM   #10
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