We called our cat Heisenberg.
Don't you mean Schrodinger? No, Heisenberg, because at any particular time we're uncertain where it is! 
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
The short answer is technically speaking it can stand on its own but it is very unstable. In order to keep something standing you need the center of gravity of the object to be within its points of contact with the ground. With only 2 points of contact with the ground, that space is a very small plane. You would need it perfectly positioned with no other forces acting on it. The tiniest disturbance could knock it over (and will). Not because it was two tired. 
I was getting my hair cut the other day, and the girl cutting my hair mentioned she had a degree in cosmology.
So I asked her whether she thought the cosmic background radiation was the best evidence for the big bang. She said big bangs would not look good on me, and that's the moment when I noticed the diploma on the wall that said "Cosmetology." 
A nurse met with an accident and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway.
Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on. “I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the surgeon said. The patient got paranoid and said, “I’m not going to let you do that. I’m a senior nurse, I can close my own wound.” The surgeon hands her the thread and says, “Suture self”. 
Failed my biology test today...
They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "convicted criminals" wasn't the correct answer. 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their midterm exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+. 
A few cells enter a bar. They sit in a corner and talk amongst themselves, drink moderately and don't pick up a fight with anyone. They leave the bar quietly.
Because they were cultured cells.. 
Two hadrons are walking down the street
Baryon starts crying all of a sudden. His friend Meson turns and asks, “what’s wrong Baryon?” Baryon sobs, ”Everybody says I’m odd.” Meson tries his best to cheer him up. “Keep your head up buddy, we all have our quarks!” 
How many dimensions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. Three to place and rotate, one to get it done in time. 
The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar
Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell. "Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting pretty raucous. You think you can help me calm them down?" "I'm sorry," Russell replies. "Sets cannot contain themselves." 
Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?
He was an accountant. 
So my girlfriend turns to me and she says "do you think I'm pretty?"
I think about it and say "You're definitely a 6". For some reason she gets offended and starts ranting about how I'm a jerk and that she's been battling with low self esteem. I tried to explain that 6 is perfect, but she was never one to appreciate number theory... 
A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?" "Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'twothirds', 3/4 is 'threefourths', and 2/5 is 'twofifths'." "Thanks, I understand," said the exchange student. "Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?" "Should I reduce?" asked the boy. "That would be best," said the teacher. "Onesecond," said the boy. "Take as long as you need," said the teacher. 
A boy was eating dinner with his parents, after having learned fractions at school. Wanting to show off, he tried to apply some of what he learned:
Dad: Alright son, how do you want a full burger for dinner? Son: Can i just half one half please? Dad: Sure thing! Mom: Do you want some juice? Son (with a grin): Can i get three fifths of a glass full? Mom: I'll do my best Dad: how many scoops of fries do you want? Son (trying to come up with something more impressive): can I get five quarters of a scoop? Mom (Gasping): Mind your tongue! that was very improper of you! 
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.
The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number. 
Back in the 1970s, my dad, who was an actuary, traveled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren’t too uncommon.
Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn’t like the odds.... so the very next day he starting carrying a bomb with him on every plane that he boarded. 'Cause he figured, what are the chances that *two* bombs would be on the same plane... 
"I am a master at fast calculation."
"Calculate 753 time 165 divided by 21." "18." (Laughs) "That's incorrect." "Might be, but it was fast!" 
How many ways are there to anger a mathematician?
Almost infinite. 
Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice. 
I told girl on a flight that she was pretty, and she replied, "Tell me something I don't know."
So I asked her if she remembered the quadratic equation. 
The guru was happily teaching math to the students at his home. He said:
"5 sides > pentagon" "6 sides >hexagon" "8 sides >octagon" .....then suddenly, the guru suffered a heart attack, fell onto the ground making a loud "thud" sound, and died on the spot. Hearing the sound, his wife came running from the other room and asked, "What happened ?" The students said, "Gurugon." 
Have you ever thought about the range of words which have a Grecian root?
There are lots of such words in mathematics, like "geometry". Some of these words have an interesting derivation. A contemporary of Pythagoras was watching a parrot playing with some twigs, once upon a time. Although birds often play with twigs and leaves and branches, this parrot, to the mathematician's amazement, actually arranged the pieces of wood into some sort of a pattern. Then, unfortunately, the bird keeled over, dead. The mathematician was so moved that he named the shape, "Dead parrot," although  of course  he said it in Greek. Which is why we call that shape a polygon. 
Three gentleman who excel in their respective fields are invited to compete in a competition. Competing are: a top Engineer, a shrewd Businessman, and an awardwinning Mathematician. The judges, in turn ask each gentleman to fence in a herd of cattle using the shortest length of fence.
The engineer goes first. He takes out a large sheet of graph paper, and maps out the outermost foot of each of the outermost cows. He then measures exactly how much fence is required to create a polygon around the herd, and erects the fence. He is particularly pleased with his job, and has used only 451.39m of fence. Next it is the businessman's turn. He takes a long length of fence, and quickly runs it around the herd with no particular care. He then uses all his strength to tighten, and tighten, and tighten until all of the cows are squished together nearly on top of one another. The cows are clearly in extreme pain, but he has completed his task, and done so using only 110m of fence. The judges are revolted by the sight, but admit that it seems the businessman has won, as the cows could not be fenced in any tighter. Nonetheless, it is only fair to give the mathematician a turn. At this point, the mathematician has wandered off solving differential equations or trying to prove P =/= NP, but eventually they find him, and explain the rules. The mathematician thinks for a few seconds, then grabs 2 meters of fence. He wraps it around himself and declares, "I'm on the outside." 
Why did the square fall in love with the triangle?
Because she had acute angle. 
A mysterious force dragged a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.
The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw. The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good." The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation." 
Moore’s law states that the number of transistors in integrated circuits doubles every two years.
This is usually done by making them smaller. Therefore, less is Moore’s. 
A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a rightangled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?”
The bartender says, “Y, long face.” 
A new study found that viruses are commonly affecting pet cats and dogs, but not ants.
Because ants have antibodies. 
What did the triangle need to do before he could get a loan?
He needed somebody to cosine. 
In keeping with the triangle theme
1 Attachment(s)
Hell's Angles

What did one triangle say to the other triangle?
Hey, we should get together and square dance! 
What sound does a horse make while walking?
*Clop, clop.* What sound does a horse make while walking uphill? *Clop, clop* multiplied by the cosine of the slope angle. 
A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions.
The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques, and a few hours, the physicist gave the solved problem to the mathematician, who was duly impressed. "All right, my turn. Here's the problem: you have a pot of water on the stove, at 60° F. You want to heat it up to 70° F. What do you do?" The mathematician replied, "Oh, that's easy. You turn the stove on. Fourier's equations govern how heat transfers from the stove to the pot, and you can solve them numerically to find out how long it takes for the water to reach 70° F." The physicist then asks, "All right, so what if the water's at 65° F?" "Oh, that's even easier. You take the pot of water, stick it in the refrigerator until it cools down to 60° F, and then it simplifies to the previous problem!" 
It's finals week and the only question on the test is "what is 2+2?"
A philosophy major writes a long eloquent response but doesn't bother to actually answer the question. A math major makes a formal proof that 2=2 and that addition is commutative before using the squeeze theorem to prove that 4≤2+2≤4. An engineering major knows the answer is 4 but writes down 5 just to be safe. 
A friend of mine thinks that Isaac Newton is joke and was never born.
I told him that Newton was very important for inventing the laws of motion and calculus (which I wish he never had). He still didn't get how important he is in history. I guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation. 
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory?
Because it was a plant eater! 
What is Science?
Simply said, Science is about making a prediction and then try to prove it. So: If I theorize that "There is Beer in the fridge!" and then proceed to look in the fridge for said beer, it is considered science. If I theorize that "There is beer in the fridge!" and don't look, because I believe there is beer there, it is considered Religion. If I say "There is beer in the fridge!" , proceed to look, don't find any, and still say "There is beer in the fridge!", it is considered Esoteric. If I say "There is beer in the fridge!", go and open the fridge, take out the milk, and say "This has the same effect because there Was beer adjacent to it", it is homeopathy. 
"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework."
Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?" "Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes." 
As part of an experiment, a crab was brought to the International Space Station to study the effects of longterm isolation.
At first, the astronauts were surprised to find the animal seemed to enjoy the time alone. But then, they realized it was a hermit crab. 
An experiment was conducted to see if chickens are able to fly in the International Space Station.
The results were poultry in motion. 
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