My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juiced him up. I bet on first with odds set at 10 to 1 - drink up boys!". The psychologist responds:

"Not bad at all, but I insist the drinks are on me tonight. Confederate Faroe was pegged for third, but a little birdie told me that the jockey is adopted and didn't know. Well, he knows now. I bet on last with odds set at 100 to 1!"

Meanwhile the mathematician is slumped over the bar staring into an empty shot glass. The other two look at him with concern. He sits up and says:

"I don't know where I went wrong. I began as I always do, assuming the horses are spheres moving on an infinite plane..."

You hear about the love struck super magnets?

Whenever they met face to face, they just couldn't seem to connect, however the moment one turned to walk away, they were nearly inseparable.

What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?

Magnets

Teacher : “There are two liquids, water and butane. Can someone please give me a quantity for them?”

Student at the front: “A ton.”

Teacher: “Ok then which is heavier: the ton of water or the ton of butane?”

The teacher asked each student the same question and each of them answered that they were the same except one student in the back.

Teacher: "Why don't you think they weigh the same?"

Student at the back: "Because butane is a lighter fluid.“

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off.
But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.

"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."

Computer idiots

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores in the area were closed, as it was a holiday, and the lab was in a rather remote location. “Find me a suitable placebo in 20 minutes or you’re FIRED!”

The lab assistant immediately started searching online. Turns out, the only store that was open and nearby was a novelty shop, that sold all sorts of prank gadgets - hand buzzers, finger traps, that sort of thing. It was a long shot, but the assistant was running out of time, and decided to try it. Sure enough, the store sold fake mints, which looked just like Altoids, but we’re infused with all sorts of disgusting and repulsive flavors - vomit, garbage juice, wet dog - real nasty stuff. The lab assistant thought, “Well, no one is really supposed to taste the pills anyway, we can simply tell the participants that the drug is extremely bitter, so they should swallow quickly with water to avoid tasting it.” The assistant bought up the entire store’s supply.

The plan worked like a charm; none of the participants had any clue which pill was the drug and which was the placebo. But shockingly, the placebo consistently produced a more calming effect than the drug they were actually testing! The lead researcher was confounded, as every subsequent test with these novelty mints yielded the same result.

Turns out, the real calm is always in the joke mints.

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."

So the student later takes a quantum mechanics course and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoretically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into existence next to me and would want to accept my gift and be my girlfriend."

S: "But... plenty of single women come here. Why don't you offer one of them an ice cream and maybe one of them will be your girlfriend?"

P: "Yeah, but what are the odds to that?"

My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff.

They said it was weapons of math instruction.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a politician. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The politician replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

If you don't like trigonometry,

then try it out with bigonometry

A quatrogonometry might be intelectually too demanding ...

The telephone at the Antarctic research station is ringing.

A male voice on the other end of the line:

"Are there five-foot penguins?"

"No."

"NUTS! Then I just ran over a nun..."

A scientist is looking to conduct an experiment using dolphins.

He goes to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any dolphins.

The clerk responds, “We don’t have any dolphins, but would a whale work?”

The scientist responds, “No thank you, that defeats the porpoise.”

In an parallel universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Did you believe what the atoms had to say?

The other cell says "No, they pretty much make up everything!"

What's the difference Between Elon Musk and a lemur?

Elon made an electric car. Lemurs Madagascar...

An astronaut is flying in his space shuttle, and after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up.

Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is.

The cashier respond with ,“If you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.”

The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves.

Once at the moon, he walks inside and sits down. The bartender asks him what he would like.

“Just a beer. Also, why is this place called The Keyboard?”

The bartender says, “Because it’s a space bar!”

What sound does a horse make while walking?
*Clop, clop.*

What sound does a horse make while walking uphill?
*Clop, clop* multiplied by the cosine of the slope angle.

When I graduated high school, my parents enrolled me in medical research.

It was a 4-year study of sleep deprivation and alcohol consumption.

Sure, they called it "college", but I knew otherwise.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

When I was learning trigonometry my teacher explained the trig functions by referencing the unit circle.

And when I asked about the unit circle she referred me to the functions.

I said - Miss this seems like circular reasoning to me.

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...

"Doctor I'm dreaming every night about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on every night. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."

So the doctor says: "Well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going to bed tonight and the dreams will be gone."

To which the guy replies: "No no no doctor, not tonight because it's the FINALS".

Why don’t yogurt and medicine get along?

One is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic!

I'm hiring a group of time travelers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.
If you're interested, interview was yesterday

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back!", he says

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

A professor was teaching the theory of relativity when a late student came into class saying, "What did I miss?"

"It's about time!" the professor replied.

What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?

A medically induced comma.

CPCL

Campaign for Prevention of Cruelty to Lightbulbs!

In USA they screw the poor things into place

In the UK they bayonet them into place

So cruel.

So two scientists invent a machine that can travel to other dimensions...

After much calibrating and testing and preparing, the scientists hop aboard their creation and activate it. There is a blinding flash of blue light and in an instant the scientists are sitting in the middle of a grassy field. There is no sign of their lab...or really anything familiar at all.

The scientists cautiously leave their machine and explore the field. However, the only thing they find there is a single horse peacefully grazing. After some discussion the scientists decide to explore the surrounding area, but only ever find more horses. Indeed the horses seem to be the only form of life in the alternate dimension they've traveled to.

Noting this, the scientists examine the horses carefully but cant find anything unusual about them individually. They seem like they'd be perfectly at home on Earth. However, strangely, every single horse is female. There isn't a stallion to be found.

Perplexed by this, the scientists return to their machine and make preparations to head back home. Shrugging at the horses that surround them, one scientist says to the other: "I guess we've traveled to a mare-allel universe."

A student is taking the train back to MIT, and realizes that Albert Einstein just sat down in the seat next to him! Excitedly, the student asks:

"Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"

Four physicians are out in a field...

... a general internist, an emergency physician, a surgeon, and a pathologist. They see a bird fly overhead.

- The internist says "looks like a sparrow, sounds like a sparrow, its probably a sparrow.'

- The emergency physician says "it's not a falcon, it's not a hawk, I'm not sure what it is but it probably won't hurt us.'

- The surgeon pulls out a rifle and fires it into the air and the bird drops to the ground. Picks it up and hands it to the pathologist and says, "What is this?"

A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so he submerges it in water and records the change in water level.

The Engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out his book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.

A friend of mine thinks that Isaac Newton is joke and was never born.

I told him that Newton was very important for inventing the laws of motion and calculus (which I wish he never had).

He still didn't get how important he is in history. I guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

My neighbor is trying to argue that spheres have corners.

I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.