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Don Sims 09-07-2022 02:16 PM

I'll never forget this solar eclipse, it'll forever be seared into my mind......and retinas. I really should've worn some glasses.

Don Sims 09-25-2022 02:04 PM

Three Professors travel in a train in Switzerland...
A professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into Switzerland.

Looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology sees a black sheep.

"How interesting" he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in Switzerland".

The professor of mathematics replies "Dear colleague, you should phrase your statements more precisely. From our observations, it seems to me we can only conclude that there is at least ONE black sheep in Switzerland".

Upon that, the professor of philosophy frowns and says "Dear colleagues, it seems you both tend to make inexact statements. from our observation, one could only conclude that there exists at least ONE sheep in Switzerland who is black on at least ONE SIDE".

"Well, I guess we will never get the chance to prove any of these claims" replies the professor of sociology.

At that moment, the train breaks down with technical issues, and stops.

After killing some time waiting, the professor of philosophy suggests, they all go and check out the sheep, so they do.

They hike up the small hill where the sheep grazes, and check it out and, surprisingly, it really turns out to be black only on one side, the other side is perfectly white.

While they are studying the sheep, the farmer comes up to them, and asks what it is that they are doing here.

The professor of philosophy greets him and says "That is quite an interesting sheep you have here".

The farmer looks at them incredulously for a few seconds, shakes his head, and yells "You gotta be the stupidest people I've met today. This is a goat you idiots!"

Don Sims 09-25-2022 02:07 PM

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.

His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'

'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'

'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too afraid to cough'

Don Sims 09-29-2022 12:06 PM

When Ahnuld Schwarzenegger was a boy he was going around with a straight line he would hold over his head.
When people aske what he was he would say:
I ahm the Denominator!

Don Sims 10-03-2022 01:04 PM

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first asks; "I'll have an H2-"

But the bartender cuts him off. "Sir, this is a bar. Order some ethanol like the other paying customers."

Don Sims 10-04-2022 01:41 PM

A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long

That's when I realized, something was afoot

Don Sims 10-07-2022 01:02 PM

A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Are you coming to our big Halloween party?" the bartender asks.

"Yes, I've already planned my costume. I'm going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood," the nurse says.

"I'm going to be a hemogoblin."

Don Sims 10-08-2022 02:38 PM

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"

Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire.

"What in the world are you doing??"

"Getting a proper sample size!"

Don Sims 10-09-2022 01:35 PM

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

Don Sims 10-10-2022 01:26 PM

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

Don Sims 10-11-2022 01:47 PM

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution, but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

Don Sims 10-15-2022 01:12 PM

A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

They are shown into a room where a lovely woman is waiting on a couch on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.

The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.

The engineer walks halfway across the room.

"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"

"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"

Don Sims 10-17-2022 01:28 PM

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

Don Sims 10-19-2022 01:31 PM

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the rest, and it all works perfectly in line with the rotation of the Earth.

The physicist then retorts that clearly its similarity to the Earth’s rotation is not one of purpose but instead of cause. The rotation clearly has caused the parts that randomly were there after tremendously long periods of time to harmonize together slowly.

The layman did not respond to either argument as he had left some time ago for dinner when he saw the time on the watch face.

Don Sims 10-21-2022 01:21 PM


My math teacher hates mixed fractions

I'm guessing that's why what she teaches is improper.


My math teacher loves mixed fractions

I'm guessing that's why what she teaches is improper.

Don Sims 10-30-2022 12:59 PM

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have not eaten since arrival. He is just finishing some calculations. Satisfied with the calculations the physicist then starts shaking the coconuts tree in just the right frequency to cause it to resonate just in the right way so that a coconut falls just in the right way to break open and provide him with the so needed nutrients.

After a couple of days they decide to look for the mathematician.

They find him starving, he has not eaten in a week. He’s writing the longest equations on the sand.

The engineer and physicist ask: what are you doing?!??

To which the mathematician yells: Silence!! I am almost proving that coconuts do in fact exist!!

CHELLIE 10-30-2022 07:10 PM

Great Jokes as Always Don, keep up the Great Work, Chellie

Don Sims 10-31-2022 12:46 PM

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are interviewing for a cryptanlyst position. To understand how they approach a problem, the interviewer asks each of them to solve one plus one.

The mathematician responds first, and says, "It is trivial to prove that a unique solution exists."

The physicist goes next, and says "The answer will virtually always lie between 1.99 and 2.01."

And finally, engineer says, "It looks to be about two, but let's play it safe and call it three."

Don Sims 11-01-2022 01:06 PM

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments from home also used in a hospital.

Susy, what did you bring?

A scalpel.

Who gave it to you?

My mother gave it to me.

And what did she say?

She said it's for cutting skin!

Ah, congratulations!

Petey, what did you bring?

A syringe!

And who gave it to you?

My father!

What did he say?

He said it was for injections!

My congratulations!

Charlie, what did you bring?

A thermometer!

Who gave it to you?

My uncle.

And what did he say?

He said it's for taking your temperature.

That's great!

And you, Johnny, what is that ball under your arm?

It's an oxygen balloon!

And who gave it to you?

I got it from my grandma!

What did she say?

Give it back... Give it back to me...

Don Sims 11-05-2022 01:12 PM

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem.

With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques, and a few hours, the physicist gave the solved problem to the mathematician, who was duly impressed.

"All right, my turn. Here's the problem: you have a pot of water on the stove, at 60 F. You want to heat it up to 70 F. What do you do?"

The mathematician replied, "Oh, that's easy. You turn the stove on. Fourier's equations govern how heat transfers from the stove to the pot, and you can solve them numerically to find out how long it takes for the water to reach 70 F."

The physicist then asks, "All right, so what if the water's at 65 F?"

"Oh, that's even easier. You take the pot of water, stick it in the refrigerator until it cools down to 60 F, and then it simplifies to the previous problem!"

Don Sims 11-07-2022 01:03 PM

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless. The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly dispatched all eighteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

Don Sims 11-11-2022 12:48 PM

Along with Antimatter and Dark Matter, scientists have recently discovered Doesn't Matter. It appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever.

Don Sims 11-18-2022 01:17 PM

Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger suffered from a debilitating bowel condition that would often result in him soiling himself unexpectedly.

However, it was impossible for him to tell when he had had an accident, and lived in a perpetual state of both being soiled and unsoiled simultaneously.

This became known as Schrodinger's Scat.

Don Sims 11-18-2022 01:19 PM

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and forty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But I'm quick.

Don Sims 11-19-2022 01:37 PM

A mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are trying to determine the height of a building.

The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.

The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.

The engineer walks up to the owner of the building and asks them how tall it is.

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