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Don Sims 05-21-2021 12:42 PM

Went camping last weekend and woke up at three in the morning to the most amazing site of the milky way galaxy.

Where the heck is my tent?

Don Sims 05-28-2021 01:41 PM

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.

So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

Don Sims 05-29-2021 12:21 PM

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment."

Don Sims 05-30-2021 01:18 AM

A physicist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist says, "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."

The mathematician counters with, "A wife. You have security."

The computer scientist proclaims, "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

Don Sims 06-04-2021 12:29 PM

I bumped into my friend at the International Synesthesia Conference. All he could talk about was this amazing bakery he passed on his way to the event.

"The smells! They were... magnificent... transcendent!" he exclaimed. "Let's step up to the roof! I bet we could smell it from here!"

After following him up to the building's rooftop terrace, I couldn't smell a thing.

I asked where the bakery was and he pointed to a sign that was at least ten blocks away. "How am I supposed to smell anything from all the way over here?" I asked.

He looked at me like I was an idiot. "Duhh... that's why I brought my binoculars."

Don Sims 06-04-2021 12:30 PM

Lord Williams turns to his butler: "Jones, please prepare my black suit and binoculars. I'm going to a funeral."

"But why do you need binoculars?" asks Jones.

"My distant relative has died." Says Lord Williams.

Don Sims 06-09-2021 12:22 PM

Darwin, Freud and the Pope walk into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them. They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.

Darwin recovers first. "This obviously is a product of evolution. The statue has evolved and now has the ability to speak. Pure science, nothing to fear."

Freud laughs. "No, no, this is clearly a combination of hysterical delusions, coupled with projection of childhood fears and unfulfilled wishes. I've treated cases like this."

The Pope cries out "Can't you see, this is Satan at work!" He clutches his crucifix and says "Oh demonic messenger of Hell, i order you to reveal yourself. What in heaven's name are you???"

"I'm a ventriloquist." replies the bartender.

Don Sims 06-15-2021 11:33 AM

A physicist, a chemist and a computer scientist were traveling in a car.
The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade and must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let's try closing windows and opening windows and see if that fixes it."

Don Sims 06-15-2021 11:34 AM

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin bibere, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.

"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

Don Sims 06-18-2021 12:18 PM

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.



He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

Don Sims 06-30-2021 11:36 AM

A Red Dwarf star, a Main Sequence star, and a neutron star are all hanging out and telling stories.

The Red Dwarf decides to share a joke. He says, "What’s a light-year?"

"It's the same as a regular year, but with less calories!" All three burst into laughter.

After a few minutes the neutron star confesses that he didn't get the joke. Both the Main Sequence star and the Red Dwarf turn to him with confused looks.

Finally the Red Dwarf says, "Dude, you are so dense!"

Don Sims 06-30-2021 11:37 AM

An optimist sees a glass half full.

A pessimist sees it half empty.

An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

Don Sims 07-01-2021 12:47 PM

Someone should make an electronics shop that sells resistors and call it:

The Ohm Depot

Don Sims 07-01-2021 12:48 PM

An electron is driving really fast when a cop pulls it over.

"Do you even know how fast you were going there?" asks the cop.

"Of course," replies the electron, "I knew exactly how fast I was going. But I thought this was the highway!"

"The highway?" The cop asks, shocked. "Do you even know where you are?"

The electron thinks for a moment and says, "No."

The Professor 07-01-2021 10:08 PM

The trouble with drinking ...
 
A chemist and his friend walk into a bar.....

The chemist said "I will have an H20"
His friend said "I will have an H20 too"

The friend died 😁

Don Sims 07-05-2021 01:01 PM

A man decides to open his own Plant Nursery. After a few months his business starts going under so he goes to apply for a loan

The loan officer goes to the place of business and asks a couple questions.

"Sir do you have a background in the study of plants?"

"No, I just got this company on a whim. I wanted to own my own business and this seemed like the easiest route" replies the man.

"Well I'd like to take a look at your stock room to see how much you've invested in the company."

"Okay" the man says.

The loan officer goes to the stock room and sees it's completely barren with no plants.

"Well, here's your problem! How can you expect to sell plants when you've never Botany??"

Don Sims 07-17-2021 12:43 PM

Calculus walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a pint. The barman notices him scribbling some notes on a napkin and asks what he's writing.

Calculus replies, "Oh this... I'm just working on a new formula..."

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." says the barman, "I can't let you drink and derive".

Don Sims 07-21-2021 02:50 PM

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Don Sims 07-22-2021 01:53 PM

There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his success, popped the cork and poured a glass.

After drinking it half way, he stood staring at his work, just hoping for some glimpse of clarity. On finishing his glass, he found a typo in an equation, and cautiously corrected it. He poured another glass.

Halfway through the second, he noticed another transcription error and fixed it. Was this finally working? Finish the glass, pour another.

4 or 8 glasses later, and everything is working! Chalk flying, numbers matching, equations balancing, heart pounding! He was doing it! It all made sense! Visions of Nobel prizes and speeches floated through his mind as he put the final touches on his magnum opus.

He sauntered down the hall that night victorious, called an Uber and rode home as the new king of calculus.

The next day, he caught a bus to work, anxious to document his finest work. He arrived to find... chaos. Some of the numbers... not even numbers. For some reason he had circled a number and wrote “threeve?” There were smiley faces and rude drawings.

It was drivel. The mad scribbles of an intoxicated and desperate man. All hope of fame and fortune fell helplessly to the ground.

And that’s when he knew, it was true what they say:

Never drink and derive.

Don Sims 07-24-2021 03:24 PM

Darwin, Freud and the Pope walk into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.

They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.

Darwin recovers first. "This obviously is a product of evolution. The statue has evolved and now has the ability to speak. Pure science, nothing to fear."

Freud laughs. "No, no, this is clearly a combination of hysterical delusions, coupled with projection of childhood fears and unfulfilled wishes. I've treated cases like this."

The Pope cries out "Can't you see, this is Satan at work!"

He clutches his crucifix and says "Oh demonic messenger of Hell, I order you to reveal yourself. What in heaven's name are you???"

"I'm a ventriloquist." replies the bartender.

Don Sims 07-24-2021 03:28 PM

An engineering student, a geometry major, and a star basketball player are trapped on a desert island

They’re debating how to get off the island or get rescued. The engineering student looks around and sees only a few palm trees and some coconuts.

“We need to cut down the trees and make a raft to sail away on.” He says and starts designing.

“We need a basketball to pass the time.” The basketball player says and walks over to grab a coconut.

The geometry major’s eyes light up and he rushes over to help the basketball player set up a hoop.

“Why are you wasting your time helping him instead of me?” The engineering student sneers as he struggles to tie two logs together with palm fronds.

Instead of answering, the geometry major makes a line in the sand a good distance from the makeshift hoop and hands the basketball player a coconut. The basketball player lines up a shot and sinks it with ease.

With a smile, the geometry student turns to the engineering student.

“Because 3 points always make a plane.”

Then he flies away.

Don Sims 07-28-2021 01:52 PM

A mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer, and a software engineer were test driving a new automobile.

While going down a steep hill, the brakes started to fail. The car careened down the hill rapidly, screeching round the corners, narrowly missing cliff faces and sheer drops, and finally coming to a halt by steering up a grassy bank.

"Phew, that was close", said the electronics engineer. "I've got a tester in my pocket so I will check to see that it's not the ABS sensors sending false signals".

"Good idea!", said the mechanic. "I've got a Swiss army knife so I'll try bleeding the brakes a bit to see if there's any air in them".

"Hey, wait a minute", said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, I think we should try going back up the hill and see if we can recreate the problem".

Don Sims 07-28-2021 01:52 PM

A photon and an ion went to the airport.

When they got there, the other passengers were surprised to see the ion handed his ticket without paying, and the photon get waved through security.

"What gives?" an irate passenger asked. "Why does the photon get to go through security?"

"Oh," said the man behind the desk. "We know he's travelling light."

"And the ion?"

"He was charged earlier."

Don Sims 07-30-2021 02:00 PM

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets.

On one planet many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position.

Upon close inspection they find this statue is alive, yet has no active bodily function that would show. It has lungs but they do not breath, legs that do not walk, and a brain whose neurons do not fire.

This baffles scientists for decades until one high-tempered scientist has had enough and screams out in front of it, “How could evolution create a creature that has lungs but doesn’t breath, legs but doesn't walk, and a brain whose neurons don't fire!”

The Statue then rises from its squatting position, thinks for a moment, and bellows “IT CANNOT.” Afterwards it returns to it’s squatting position.

The Scientist is ecstatic, and in a voice filled with realization he exclaims:

“EGADS! It Only Stands To Reason!”

Don Sims 08-15-2021 01:23 PM

All the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.

Hurricanes blew the others away.

Earthquakes shook things up pretty badly.

Flooding was a bit of a wash.

Blizzards almost buried the rest.

Meteors made deep impacts.

But, in the end, avalanches won by a landslide.

Don Sims 08-17-2021 02:58 PM

A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue.

After one year, the groups all reported to the investors.

The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse but it would take 200 years and $100 billion.

The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100 million per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time.

Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple.

The investors listened eagerly to this proposal.

The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions. First, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere."

Don Sims 10-05-2021 12:42 PM

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out yet again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

Don Sims 10-05-2021 12:44 PM

I tried to run a statistical experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume.

But the p-value was too low.

Don Sims 10-24-2021 12:20 PM

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike.

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly this young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off, and says 'Take what you want'. So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his colleague says, "I don't think you'd look good in a dress."

Don Sims 10-24-2021 12:21 PM

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions.

The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem.

With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques, and a few hours, the physicist gave the solved problem to the mathematician, who was duly impressed.

"All right, my turn. Here's the problem: you have a pot of water on the stove, at 60 F. You want to heat it up to 70 F. What do you do?"

The mathematician replied, "Oh, That's easy. You turn the stove on. Fourier's equations govern how heat transfers from the stove to the pot, and you can solve them numerically to find out how long it takes for the water to reach 70 F."

The physicist then asks, "All right, so what if the water's at 65 F?"

"Oh, that's even easier. You take the pot of water, stick it in the refrigerator until it cools down to 60 F, and then it simplifies to the previous problem!"

Don Sims 11-03-2021 12:25 PM

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

Don Sims 11-03-2021 12:26 PM

A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house. The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "May God help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool.

The engineer is shaken, but he pulls out a piece of paper and a pencil and starts calculating. How far the pool is away. The angle from the edge of the roof. The speed he will need and how much he will have to jump. He takes a couple of measured steps back, briefly looks at his calculations. He runs and jumps. He lands in the pool, surprised himself how he managed to get all things correct.

As he sees the engineer landing in the pool, the mathematician feels a wave of relief. Engineers don't understand mathematics half as well as he does!

So he too starts his calculations. The distances, angles and speeds necessary to succeed. Confident he takes his steps back, runs towards the edge and jumps.

He falls upwards. Dang those sign errors!

Don Sims 11-04-2021 12:30 PM

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on.

The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, "Sort it out yourselves."

Don Sims 11-07-2021 12:58 PM

A son asks his dad, "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replies, "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier."

The son then asks, "Um, ok so why does mommy get so mad at you sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like particles of particle physics..."

Don Sims 11-12-2021 11:57 AM

Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift.

Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light.

After a while the man asked:

Man: "So what's your name?"

Vin: "Cin Diesel."

Man: "Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"

Vin: "No it's Cin Diesel."

Man: "But why?"

Vin: "Because at the speed of light c=v."

Don Sims 11-15-2021 02:37 PM

Einstein and Newton are in a bar.

Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein explains, "Imagine two people at opposite ends on top of a train moving very quickly. Even though the train is moving, if the person in the rear shines a light to the other in the front, they will measure the light to move at the usual constant speed of light. Likewise though, a person stationary beside the tracks will also measure the light to travel at the same speed, though from their stationary perspective the light traveled further because by the time the light got to the front person, they had moved a little bit more forward due to the velocity of the train. This means that the stationary person sees the light take longer to go from one person to the other."

He adds, "Additionally, if the person in the rear of the train measures the velocity of the light away from him to be one value, shouldn't the velocity they themselves possess not mean that the light would move faster from getting that extra push? But when we measure it, this is not the case!"

"If we allow ourselves to alter values like the passage of time for different perspectives, and even the masses of objects, we can create a set of physical laws which shows us how the people on the train can reconcile their views with the person beside it, based upon their relative velocities."

And so Newton replies, "What the blazes is a train?"

Abuelo 11-15-2021 06:34 PM

Two hydrogen atoms met up and got to talking. One asked the other, "How are you doing these days?"

"Not so good. I've lost my electron."

"Woo, that could be bad. Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

Don Sims 11-16-2021 12:43 PM

Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto walk into a bar.

After sitting down, Jupiter says: "I'm the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have."

Saturn says: "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have."

Pluto says: "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot."

Don Sims 11-17-2021 01:53 PM

What made Jupiter’s surprise party go off with out a hitch?

Mars, Uranus, and Venus really knew how to planet.

Don Sims 11-27-2021 01:07 PM

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers.

Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would make love to the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very very still for the next hour!”


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