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Don Sims 07-26-2022 11:57 AM

How did the professor of electrical engineering solve a complicated problem?

He used inductive reasoning!

Don Sims 07-27-2022 01:59 PM

At the beginning of time two schools were created.
One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed gravitation, strong attraction, weak attraction, and electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatter High created annihilation, baryogenisis, and nuclear decay.

But they hit a wall: even after all their work, the universe was still an empty expanse of nothingness.

The two administrations met to discuss the issue, and after a lengthy process decided that they had to initiate one final fundamental event- the Big Bang- and that they would have to sacrifice one of their own to be the source of particles and energy.

Nobody volunteered, so it was decided by vote that it had to be one of the two head administrators. The head of Antimatter High stood and said "I'm sorry, but it absolutely cannot be me."

The head of the other school stood and said "Must it really be me?"

"I'm sorry, " he replied, "it's nothing personal. It's the principal of the matter."

Don Sims 07-29-2022 01:00 PM

The optimist sees the glass half full.

The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

The engineer sees a glass two times too large.

Wildflyer 07-29-2022 07:50 PM

That's when the biker at the bar, orders another one.

Don Sims 08-05-2022 01:26 PM

What do you call quanta of electromagnetic radiation that don't get along?

Foe-tons

Don Sims 08-05-2022 01:31 PM

Yo mama so fat,

that a recursive algorithm to calculate her mass suffers from a stack overflow error before completion.

Don Sims 08-08-2022 12:57 PM

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Pokemon

Don Sims 08-08-2022 12:59 PM

A neutrino walks into a Mexican restaurant. It orders a taco with extra chili sauce. The waiter comes to the table with a taco and a gigantic bottle of super-hot chili sauce. He opens the taco, starts pouring sauce, and asks, "So how much salsa do you want, amigo?"

The neutrino answers, "No Mass! No Mass!"

Don Sims 08-09-2022 01:29 PM

Why can't the navy participate in the Space Force?

Gamma radiation kills seamen.

Don Sims 08-15-2022 01:30 PM

"I like you, in a plutonic way."

"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"

"No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying."

Don Sims 08-17-2022 01:00 PM

Wanna hear a joke about radioactive isotopes?

Sorry, it just decayed.

Don Sims 08-17-2022 01:02 PM

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, it was at Walmart."

Don Sims 08-18-2022 01:04 PM

Love holds the universe together.

Just kidding. It's dark matter.

Don Sims 08-20-2022 12:45 PM

Today, while googling something about insects...

I found out that the only continent lacking indigenous ants is ANTARCTICA.

Makes no sense at all...

Don Sims 08-22-2022 02:00 PM

Optical engineers are often called "narrow-focused" and "myopic".

But, when viewed through the right lens, we represent a diverse spectrum of light-hearted people.

Don Sims 08-22-2022 02:07 PM

What is the Heineken Uncertainty Principle?

"You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."

Don Sims 08-25-2022 12:40 PM

History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro Volta: "I'm electrified at the prospect."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Andre-Marie Ampere: "I'm worried I'm not current enough."

John James Audubon: "I'll have to wing it."

Thomas Edison: "It will be illuminating."

Albert Einstein: "It will be relatively easy to attend."

Archimedes: "I'm buoyant at the thought."

Samuel Morse: "I'll be there on the dot. I'd tell you about other parties I've been to, but I must dash."

Carl Friedrich Gauss: "I'm very popular at parties because of my magnetism."

Heinrich Hertz: "I plan to attend parties with greater frequency in the future."

James Watt: "It will be a good way to let off steam."

As for Sigmund Freud: he just couldn't help but give it the slip!

Don Sims 08-31-2022 12:54 PM

Einstein, Newton and Darwin are having a small argument.

Newton, a bit annoyed, says "Guys, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation".

Einstein replies, "I think I do relatively understand it."

To which Darwin says, "Please don't let this evolve into a big fight, alright?"

Don Sims 09-01-2022 01:42 PM

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Don Sims 09-02-2022 12:51 PM

Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me

I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards

Don Sims 09-03-2022 01:38 PM

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading.
The ones who learn by observation.

And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

Don Sims 09-03-2022 01:39 PM

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happened to this man to instill in him such an absolute dislike of viruses? All this goes through his mind in a matter of seconds.

The virus senses an awkward silence about to fall. Purely on instinct, he responds with an attempt at humor, and says, "Well, you're not a very good host."

Don Sims 09-05-2022 01:10 PM

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

Don Sims 09-06-2022 01:40 PM

The orthopedic surgeon Betty worked for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items. Betty sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, his bony arm across the back of her seat. She hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, and she looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The driver leaned out his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

Don Sims 09-06-2022 01:41 PM

Joe was dropping off some construction debris at the local transfer station, when the Payloader driver got out and kicked a pile of refuse he had just moved.
Out popped the hand and forearm of a human skeleton.
Fortunately it a a plastic model.
the Operator said he was glad it wasn't real because he didn't need the paperwork involved...

Don Sims 09-07-2022 02:16 PM

I'll never forget this solar eclipse, it'll forever be seared into my mind......and retinas. I really should've worn some glasses.

Don Sims 09-25-2022 02:04 PM

Three Professors travel in a train in Switzerland...
 
A professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into Switzerland.

Looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology sees a black sheep.

"How interesting" he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in Switzerland".

The professor of mathematics replies "Dear colleague, you should phrase your statements more precisely. From our observations, it seems to me we can only conclude that there is at least ONE black sheep in Switzerland".

Upon that, the professor of philosophy frowns and says "Dear colleagues, it seems you both tend to make inexact statements. from our observation, one could only conclude that there exists at least ONE sheep in Switzerland who is black on at least ONE SIDE".

"Well, I guess we will never get the chance to prove any of these claims" replies the professor of sociology.

At that moment, the train breaks down with technical issues, and stops.

After killing some time waiting, the professor of philosophy suggests, they all go and check out the sheep, so they do.

They hike up the small hill where the sheep grazes, and check it out and, surprisingly, it really turns out to be black only on one side, the other side is perfectly white.

While they are studying the sheep, the farmer comes up to them, and asks what it is that they are doing here.

The professor of philosophy greets him and says "That is quite an interesting sheep you have here".

The farmer looks at them incredulously for a few seconds, shakes his head, and yells "You gotta be the stupidest people I've met today. This is a goat you idiots!"

Don Sims 09-25-2022 02:07 PM

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.

His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'

'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'

'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too afraid to cough'

Don Sims 09-29-2022 12:06 PM

When Ahnuld Schwarzenegger was a boy he was going around with a straight line he would hold over his head.
When people aske what he was he would say:
I ahm the Denominator!

Don Sims 10-03-2022 01:04 PM

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first asks; "I'll have an H2-"

But the bartender cuts him off. "Sir, this is a bar. Order some ethanol like the other paying customers."

Don Sims 10-04-2022 01:41 PM

A friend of mine sent me a ruler exactly 30.48 centimeters long

That's when I realized, something was afoot

Don Sims 10-07-2022 01:02 PM

A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Are you coming to our big Halloween party?" the bartender asks.

"Yes, I've already planned my costume. I'm going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood," the nurse says.

"I'm going to be a hemogoblin."

Don Sims 10-08-2022 02:38 PM

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"

Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire.

"What in the world are you doing??"

"Getting a proper sample size!"

Don Sims 10-09-2022 01:35 PM

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

Don Sims 10-10-2022 01:26 PM

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

Don Sims 10-11-2022 01:47 PM

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution, but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

Don Sims 10-15-2022 01:12 PM

A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

They are shown into a room where a lovely woman is waiting on a couch on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.

The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.

The engineer walks halfway across the room.

"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"

"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"

Don Sims 10-17-2022 01:28 PM

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

Don Sims 10-19-2022 01:31 PM

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the rest, and it all works perfectly in line with the rotation of the Earth.

The physicist then retorts that clearly its similarity to the Earth’s rotation is not one of purpose but instead of cause. The rotation clearly has caused the parts that randomly were there after tremendously long periods of time to harmonize together slowly.

The layman did not respond to either argument as he had left some time ago for dinner when he saw the time on the watch face.

Don Sims 10-21-2022 01:21 PM

WHICH JOKE IS BETTER?

My math teacher hates mixed fractions

I'm guessing that's why what she teaches is improper.

VERSUS:

My math teacher loves mixed fractions

I'm guessing that's why what she teaches is improper.


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