Don Sims

While shopping in a food store, two spinsters happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second spinster answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first spinster replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the spinster said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”

Don Sims

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend.
One day while they were at it she hears her husband pull into the driveway.
Her boyfriend says, "Oh no! What should we do?!"
She says ,"Hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!"
Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him.
He says ,"What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you're real, because he's stupid!"
Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her, "What's that?"
She says, "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one."
He shrugs it off and goes about his business.
That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room, still posed, too afraid to escape.
He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich.
He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says, "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."

Don Sims

Two cowboys are lost in the desert, they haven’t eaten in days, and are close to death.

Suddenly one see a tree covered in bacon.

‘We’re saved’ he cries, ‘a bacon tree!’ and he runs towards it. He is shot to death.

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Don Sims

Two guys were playing frisbee when....

the frisbee slipped from the other guy's hands and landed afar near two women.

The guy goes towards the women....stops abruptly... comes back and says "I can't go there because one of them is my wife and the other is my current girlfriend. Why don't you get it?"

The other one goes to some distance....comes back... and says

"Sorry...small world."

Don Sims

A couple who had been married for many, many years were sitting in bed one day. The husband finally asked: "I never asked, out of respect for your privacy, but what is in that chest you keep at the end of the bed?"

His wife says "Well, I guess after all this time it does not matter. Go ahead and look". The husband opens the chest and finds 2 ears of corn and 20,000 dollars.

"What is this?" he asks

She answers: "Well, whenever I was unfaithful, I put an ear of corn in that box"

He says " I guess twice in all these years is not too bad. What about the 20,000?"

She answers: "Every time I got a bushel, I sold it."

(at least it involves math)

Don Sims

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

Don Sims

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face and orders a beer.

The bartender brings it and asks him what the problem is. The guy responds, "I dunno. I just feel unhappy and unfulfilled. What do you do when you're unhappy?"

"Well," responded the bartender, "I take a few drinks then make out with my wife. That always does the trick for me."

The sad guy says, "What the heck, line me up a couple of drinks!" He gulps them down and heads out the door.

A few hours later he comes back in, still with a sad face on. "So how did it go?", asked the bartender.

"It didn't work.", the guy replied. "But I have to say you have a lovely living room!"

Don Sims

Tragedy in the workplace!

Man dies after falling into a giant vat of coffee!

Wife says at least he didn't suffer.

"It was instant!"

Don Sims

The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Stinky McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?"

McGinty replied, "No, I don't."

Said the Corporal before hanging up, "Then bye-bye, Stinky!"

Don Sims

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin,

"Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned around, Justin had a slight grin on his face, so the driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in Justin's car. When he turns and looks at Justin, he has a smile on his face.

Driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all its tires.

Now Justin is laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on Justin's car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and Justin is laughing so hard he is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked.

Justin replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"

Don Sims

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Don Sims

A man was driving his Tesla when an old truck forced him to stop.

After greetings, the truck driver suggested that they swap their vehicles.

"Are you out of your mind? Who would ever want to swap a new beautiful eco-friendly Tesla with a loud old smoking truck?"

"You don't understand, let me show you why my truck is better than your car", and he knocked twice on the truck when suddenly, a huge genie came out.

"Your faithful genie is ready to grant your wishes, what are you ordering me, master?"

"Give me one banana milk-shake", and in a flash of light, a glass of banana milk-shake appeared on the genie's hand.

"Do you have any other orders, master?"

"No, that's all I want now," answered the truck owner, and the genie disappeared immediately.

The owner of the Tesla, amazed, shouted: "Yes, let's swap!", and hands over his keys; and as the other man took the car and drove away, our man knocked on the truck and the genie appeared again.

"Your faithful genie is ready to grant your wishes, what are you ordering me, master?"

"Give me a Ferrari, a big house on 3 acres of land and a beautiful girlfriend."

"Sorry master, I only serve banana milk-shake."

Don Sims

Three guys are before a judge for commotion at a city park...

Judge asks the 1st "What are you here for?"

1st replies "Throwing peanuts into the water"

Judge "Well that's not so bad"

Judge asks 2nd "What are you here for?"

2nd "Throwing peanuts into the water"

Judge "Well that's not bad either"

Judge asks 3rd "So I guess you're here for throwing peanuts into the water, too?"

3rd "No Sir, I'm Peanuts."

Don Sims

Cashier: "Do you want your milk in a bag?"

Me: "No, just leave it in the jug."

Cashier: "... "

Don Sims

UPS: Your package is in your city. It will arrive at your house at 5:18 pm in a truck driven by Mike.

FedEx: Your package is coming. You'll get it when it gets there.

Amazon: Your package has arrived. Look in the bathroom.

Facebook: We know you were thinking about getting an air fryer yesterday.

USPS: What package?

Don Sims

Then there was the guy who told his wife that she should embrace her mistakes.

She hugged him...

Don Sims

I've changed all my passwords to "incorrect"

So whenever I forget my password and try something else, the software reminds me that -

"Your password is incorrect"

Don Sims

A guy walks into a bar.

A bit later an attractive woman next to him at the bar says, "You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink."

"Oh really," he smiles looking down at his beer. "So what can you tell about me?"

"You're an idiot," she replies. "That's my beer you're drinking."

Don Sims

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go near the bedroom and shout 'Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway' and then come back and call me."

A few minutes later, the daughter calls back.

"I did it, daddy."

"Well, what happened?"

"Mommy got scared, started running around, tripped and hit her head, and now she isn't moving."

"Oh my god. And what about uncle Jake?

"He too got scared, jumped out of the window into the swimming pool, but he forgot you took out the water last week and now he isn't moving as well."

"Wait a minute, my house doesn't have a swimming pool. Wait, is this 351-7381?"

Don Sims

I went to see a friend of mine the other day, a bachelor.

When I went in, both of his ears were red and swollen.

I asked him 'What happened to your ears"

He said 'I was ironing and the phone rang, and with the iron in my hand, I just automatically put it to my ear to speak, and it burned the mess out of it."

I looked at him, and said, "Well, what happened to the other one"

He said, "Well, they called back"

Don Sims

The chap next to me in the office insists on playing white noise, because he says it is relaxing.

One day, it was just too loud for me, so I turned to him, gestured with a finger to my lips and uttered:

"Shhhhhhhhh!"

Don Sims

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed the password into my computer, and sure enough, it worked.

Then he said, "I have no idea why you find it so hard to type Start123."

Don Sims

A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!

It was either kale or be kaled.

Don Sims

Posted Yesterday, 03:46 AM

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Nuts, there go the lights again…

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Don Sims

A girl broke up with me once over food.

She didn’t like it when I made certain Hawaiian foods that I ate growing up.

Now she has me in her phone as “Spam Risk”.