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Old 11-15-2021, 02:37 PM
  #76  
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Einstein and Newton are in a bar.

Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein explains, "Imagine two people at opposite ends on top of a train moving very quickly. Even though the train is moving, if the person in the rear shines a light to the other in the front, they will measure the light to move at the usual constant speed of light. Likewise though, a person stationary beside the tracks will also measure the light to travel at the same speed, though from their stationary perspective the light traveled further because by the time the light got to the front person, they had moved a little bit more forward due to the velocity of the train. This means that the stationary person sees the light take longer to go from one person to the other."

He adds, "Additionally, if the person in the rear of the train measures the velocity of the light away from him to be one value, shouldn't the velocity they themselves possess not mean that the light would move faster from getting that extra push? But when we measure it, this is not the case!"

"If we allow ourselves to alter values like the passage of time for different perspectives, and even the masses of objects, we can create a set of physical laws which shows us how the people on the train can reconcile their views with the person beside it, based upon their relative velocities."

And so Newton replies, "What the blazes is a train?"
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Old 11-15-2021, 06:34 PM
  #77  
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Two hydrogen atoms met up and got to talking. One asked the other, "How are you doing these days?"

"Not so good. I've lost my electron."

"Woo, that could be bad. Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive."
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Old 11-16-2021, 12:43 PM
  #78  
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Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto walk into a bar.

After sitting down, Jupiter says: "I'm the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have."

Saturn says: "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have."

Pluto says: "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot."
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Old 11-17-2021, 01:53 PM
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What made Jupiter’s surprise party go off with out a hitch?

Mars, Uranus, and Venus really knew how to planet.
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Old 11-27-2021, 01:07 PM
  #80  
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Thumbs up

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers.

Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would make love to the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very very still for the next hour!”
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Old 12-09-2021, 12:41 PM
  #81  
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We called our cat Heisenberg.

Don't you mean Schrodinger?

No, Heisenberg, because at any particular time we're uncertain where it is!
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Old 12-09-2021, 12:42 PM
  #82  
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Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

The short answer is technically speaking it can stand on its own but it is very unstable. In order to keep something standing you need the center of gravity of the object to be within its points of contact with the ground. With only 2 points of contact with the ground, that space is a very small plane. You would need it perfectly positioned with no other forces acting on it. The tiniest disturbance could knock it over (and will).

Not because it was two tired.
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Old 12-09-2021, 12:45 PM
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I was getting my hair cut the other day, and the girl cutting my hair mentioned she had a degree in cosmology.

So I asked her whether she thought the cosmic background radiation was the best evidence for the big bang.

She said big bangs would not look good on me, and that's the moment when I noticed the diploma on the wall that said "Cosmetology."
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Old 12-09-2021, 12:48 PM
  #84  
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A nurse met with an accident and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway.

Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.

“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the surgeon said.

The patient got paranoid and said, “I’m not going to let you do that. I’m a senior nurse, I can close my own wound.”

The surgeon hands her the thread and says, “Suture self”.
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Old 12-13-2021, 03:09 PM
  #85  
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Failed my biology test today...



They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "convicted criminals" wasn't the correct answer.
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Old 12-14-2021, 03:14 PM
  #86  
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Lightbulb

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A+.
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Old 12-20-2021, 01:28 PM
  #87  
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A few cells enter a bar. They sit in a corner and talk amongst themselves, drink moderately and don't pick up a fight with anyone. They leave the bar quietly.

Because they were cultured cells..
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Old 12-23-2021, 11:57 AM
  #88  
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Lightbulb

Two hadrons are walking down the street

Baryon starts crying all of a sudden. His friend Meson turns and asks, “what’s wrong Baryon?”

Baryon sobs, ”Everybody says I’m odd.”

Meson tries his best to cheer him up. “Keep your head up buddy, we all have our quarks!”
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Old 12-24-2021, 01:24 PM
  #89  
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How many dimensions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. Three to place and rotate, one to get it done in time.
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Old 01-05-2022, 02:39 PM
  #90  
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The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar

Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.

"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting pretty raucous. You think you can help me calm them down?"

"I'm sorry," Russell replies. "Sets cannot contain themselves."
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Old 01-05-2022, 02:41 PM
  #91  
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Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.
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Old 01-05-2022, 03:01 PM
  #92  
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So my girlfriend turns to me and she says "do you think I'm pretty?"

I think about it and say "You're definitely a 6".

For some reason she gets offended and starts ranting about how I'm a jerk and that she's been battling with low self esteem.

I tried to explain that 6 is perfect, but she was never one to appreciate number theory...
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Old 01-05-2022, 03:04 PM
  #93  
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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."

"Thanks, I understand," said the exchange student.

"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"

"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.

"That would be best," said the teacher.

"One-second," said the boy.

"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.
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Old 01-05-2022, 03:05 PM
  #94  
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A boy was eating dinner with his parents, after having learned fractions at school. Wanting to show off, he tried to apply some of what he learned:

Dad: Alright son, how do you want a full burger for dinner?

Son: Can i just half one half please?

Dad: Sure thing!

Mom: Do you want some juice?

Son (with a grin): Can i get three fifths of a glass full?

Mom: I'll do my best

Dad: how many scoops of fries do you want?

Son (trying to come up with something more impressive): can I get five quarters of a scoop?

Mom (Gasping): Mind your tongue! that was very improper of you!
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Old 01-09-2022, 02:08 PM
  #95  
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A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.
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Old 01-13-2022, 01:27 PM
  #96  
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Back in the 1970s, my dad, who was an actuary, traveled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren’t too uncommon.

Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn’t like the odds.... so the very next day he starting carrying a bomb with him on every plane that he boarded.

'Cause he figured, what are the chances that *two* bombs would be on the same plane...
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Old 01-13-2022, 01:28 PM
  #97  
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"I am a master at fast calculation."

"Calculate 753 time 165 divided by 21."

"18."

(Laughs) "That's incorrect."

"Might be, but it was fast!"
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Old 01-15-2022, 01:26 PM
  #98  
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Exclamation

How many ways are there to anger a mathematician?

Almost infinite.
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Old 01-16-2022, 02:28 PM
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.

Twice.
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Old Yesterday, 03:09 PM
  #100  
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I told girl on a flight that she was pretty, and she replied, "Tell me something I don't know."

So I asked her if she remembered the quadratic equation.
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