Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

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Old 01-22-2023, 01:29 PM
  #151  
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While shopping in a food store, two spinsters happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second spinster answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first spinster replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the spinster said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”
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Old 01-23-2023, 01:32 PM
  #152  
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There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend.
One day while they were at it she hears her husband pull into the driveway.
Her boyfriend says, "Oh no! What should we do?!"
She says ,"Hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!"
Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him.
He says ,"What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you're real, because he's stupid!"
Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her, "What's that?"
She says, "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one."
He shrugs it off and goes about his business.
That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room, still posed, too afraid to escape.
He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich.
He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says, "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."
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Old 01-24-2023, 01:15 PM
  #153  
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Exclamation

Two cowboys are lost in the desert, they haven’t eaten in days, and are close to death.

Suddenly one see a tree covered in bacon.

‘We’re saved’ he cries, ‘a bacon tree!’ and he runs towards it. He is shot to death.

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
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Old 01-24-2023, 01:16 PM
  #154  
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Two guys were playing frisbee when....

the frisbee slipped from the other guy's hands and landed afar near two women.

The guy goes towards the women....stops abruptly... comes back and says "I can't go there because one of them is my wife and the other is my current girlfriend. Why don't you get it?"

The other one goes to some distance....comes back... and says

"Sorry...small world."
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Old 01-26-2023, 01:07 PM
  #155  
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A couple who had been married for many, many years were sitting in bed one day. The husband finally asked: "I never asked, out of respect for your privacy, but what is in that chest you keep at the end of the bed?"

His wife says "Well, I guess after all this time it does not matter. Go ahead and look". The husband opens the chest and finds 2 ears of corn and 20,000 dollars.

"What is this?" he asks

She answers: "Well, whenever I was unfaithful, I put an ear of corn in that box"

He says " I guess twice in all these years is not too bad. What about the 20,000?"

She answers: "Every time I got a bushel, I sold it."

(at least it involves math)
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Old 01-27-2023, 01:11 PM
  #156  
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4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
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Old 02-01-2023, 01:00 PM
  #157  
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Angry

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face and orders a beer.

The bartender brings it and asks him what the problem is. The guy responds, "I dunno. I just feel unhappy and unfulfilled. What do you do when you're unhappy?"

"Well," responded the bartender, "I take a few drinks then make out with my wife. That always does the trick for me."

The sad guy says, "What the heck, line me up a couple of drinks!" He gulps them down and heads out the door.

A few hours later he comes back in, still with a sad face on. "So how did it go?", asked the bartender.

"It didn't work.", the guy replied. "But I have to say you have a lovely living room!"
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Old 02-02-2023, 01:17 PM
  #158  
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Tragedy in the workplace!

Man dies after falling into a giant vat of coffee!

Wife says at least he didn't suffer.

"It was instant!"
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Old 02-04-2023, 12:10 PM
  #159  
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The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Stinky McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?"

McGinty replied, "No, I don't."

Said the Corporal before hanging up, "Then bye-bye, Stinky!"
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Old Yesterday, 02:44 PM
  #160  
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Talking

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin,

"Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned around, Justin had a slight grin on his face, so the driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in Justin's car. When he turns and looks at Justin, he has a smile on his face.

Driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all its tires.

Now Justin is laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on Justin's car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and Justin is laughing so hard he is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked.

Justin replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"
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