Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

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Old 08-22-2022, 12:58 PM
  #76  
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There is a lawyer in a $3000 suit.

He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is a obviously very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.

The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he finally decides to call the maintenance guy. The maintenance guy arrives shortly after, and in three moves he fixes the sink.

He says, "It's going to be $90."

The lawyer's face turns red, he is furious, $90 for less than 5 minutes of work?!?

Of course being the important man he is, he has to pay; still in his $3000, suit he hands over the money to the maintenance man.

The lawyer cannot stop himself and out of curiosity and anger says, "It's absurd! Not even I, one of the top lawyers of the town, can make $90 for less than 5 minutes of work!"

To which the maintenance man replies, "Honestly, neither did I when I was a lawyer."
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Old 08-24-2022, 12:50 PM
  #77  
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Unhappy

A scientist named Berade cloned himself 76 times. Because of a mutation, the clones were all much more muscular than the real Berade.

One day one of the clones said to his 75 fellow clones, "I'm tired of that weakling bossing us around! He's treating us like servants just because he created us!"

So the clones all picked up Berade and threw him into a pigpen. When Berade landed, a hornet's nest was dislodged, and the hornets stung Berade to death.

The next day the front page news article read, "Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Berade, with a hundred and ten hornets close at hand..."
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Old 08-25-2022, 11:45 AM
  #78  
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Red face

The guy asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia.

She whispered, "They're right behind you..."
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Old 08-31-2022, 12:01 PM
  #79  
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Question

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
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Old 08-31-2022, 12:12 PM
  #80  
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A man is out driving in the countryside where he suddenly comes across a big herd of sheep. He stops his car and get out waiting for the sheep to pass over the road

.At the end of the herd he spots the shepherd. He goes over to the shepherd and starts a conversation.

-"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, can I get a sheep as payment?"

The shepherd thinks for a while and says "sure".

So the man goes over to his car, brings up his laptop, connects to the internet through his smartphone internet sharing, connects to a passing satellite above, takes a picture of the area, runs the picture through his recognition software and plots the result in Excel.

-"You have exactly 174 sheep!" he proudly exclaims.

-"That is correct" replies the shepherd.

So the man proceeds to take one sheep and put it in the back of his car.

The shepherd thinks for a while and says

-"If I can tell you what profession you have, can I get my sheep back?"

The man looks puzzled but says "sure, go for it"

-"You're a management consultant."

-"How did you know that?!" questions the man.

-"Well, first, you come here even though I didn't ask for it. Secondly, you use a overly advanced technology to tell me things I already know. Third, you charge an absurd amount for it. Fourth, can I have my dog back?"
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Old 09-01-2022, 12:46 PM
  #81  
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Angry

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass.

He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
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Old 09-01-2022, 12:48 PM
  #82  
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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Old 09-02-2022, 12:05 PM
  #83  
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Exclamation

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.

They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the AP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said,

"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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Old 09-03-2022, 12:34 PM
  #84  
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One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football (soccer) club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even attack the other players. They might not fall over as much but they would be carded and sent off within minutes of the game starting.

The warden then issues the manager a bet. If his best prisoners can beat the manager’s team without a single foul then he had to employ them once they were released. The manager agrees, knowing this would be impossible.

The match is arranged, the pitch booked and the prisoners are given day leave to attend.

The game begins and it is astounding. The prisoners play perfectly. They use their size and stature to create walls of defense completely blocking the other team. Once they had the ball they charged forward as an unstoppable force scoring goal after goal.

At the end of the game it was 5-0 to the prisoners without a single foul. The manager accepted he had lost the bet.

It took a few years for the prisoners to finish their sentences but one by one they were all hired by the manager as promised and put into the team with the other players.

The new team composition was very unorthodox but it certainly had its pros and cons.
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Old 09-05-2022, 12:16 PM
  #85  
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info

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.

"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.

"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."

Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"

"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'"!
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Old 09-06-2022, 12:44 PM
  #86  
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Talking

The kid next door found an old box of cassette tapes the other day and wanted to borrow my cassette deck to find out if they were any good. He came back and said most of them were in good shape and some of the music was pretty good, but one tape was just terrible, really boring.

He said the name of the band was Head Cleaner.
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Old 09-06-2022, 12:49 PM
  #87  
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Default

A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price among them for their father. After arguing about it for days, they would finally see who was worth the most.

The eldest was first, and was the most beautiful of the three. Her prospective groom came forward and presented her father with a gorgeous she-cow, sleek and fat, the pride of the valley's herds.

The second daughter was not so comely, but handsome in her own right, and when her suitor came forward, he offered the father a likely looking young goat, strong and lively, a fine prize for any household.

The third daughter stepped forward. Her future husband took one look at her and then presented a single scrawny chicken, the saddest, sorriest thing anyone had ever seen, with most of its feathers gone, walked with a limp, and only had one eye.

The third daughter was furious. But before she could say anything, her father took out a huge hunting knife, leapt forward without a word and started hacking away at the pathetic bird mercilessly.

"That's right!" the third daughter hooted. "You will pay for this grievous insult to my honor!"

"Shut up!" her father shouted. "I'm trying to give the man his change!"
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Old 09-07-2022, 01:15 PM
  #88  
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Smile

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.

The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones.

He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks.

One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap!

The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material.

He interrupts them to say, "Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best."

The man with the sledge stops and says, "Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold."

"Well, I'll be!" cried the archaeologist. "And what's that fellow up to?" pointing to the man on his knees.

"Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see..."

And here the man paused...

"So you see...my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist."
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Old Yesterday, 01:12 PM
  #89  
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Exclamation

Punctuation Matters!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said:

"Duck, Eggs"

I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."
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