Don Sims

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.

After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open them.

The engineer promptly begins to throw his can as hard as he can against the wall of the mine, over and over, until it somehow breaks open. He proceeds to devour his meal in satisfaction.

Meanwhile, the physicist proceeds to analyze the structure of the can, looking for any potential weak spots in it to exploit. After some searching, he notices a flaw in his can and uses that to pry open the can, happy that he can also eat and survive a bit longer.

The mathematician, however, is a bit saddened. After thinking for some about what he wants to do to try and open the can, he proclaims out loud to the other men:

"Suppose the can is open."

Don Sims

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62*, or 37*?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans.

The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile?

The American: Go back to Europe!

Don Sims

A driver in England stops for a hitchhiker. The hitchhiker is a Dalek.

Driver: Where ya headed, mate?

Dalek: Devon, mate.

Driver: That's where I'm going. Where in Devon?

Dalek: Exeter, mate. Exeter, mate. Exeter, mate.

Don Sims

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

Don Sims

A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that is 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."

Don Sims

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the place mats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea.

But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer and he hated the menus. The bartender didn’t like the space bar. And I caught my waiter crying after he took my order. I didn’t understand why all the servers were down.

So when I saw the task manager, I asked him what was wrong.

He said, seems your food keeps getting stuck in testing. I asked if it needed to be debugged. He told me those aren’t bugs, they’re features.

I asked if I could get some chips while I waited. He told me only if I also accepted all cookies. I said no.

Then BLAM! He hit me. I said what the heck was that?! He said, a denial of service attack.

I started to curse him out, but he threw me out for being a cursor.

Jokes on him though: I didn't have enough cache anyway.

Don Sims

New viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus.” Instead, it’s an “electronic microorganism.”

Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Don Sims

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

Don Sims

I made a video about the symbiotic relationships between fungus and algae.

Don't forget to lichen subscribe!

Don Sims

Wife: honey, the space heater just died.
Me (trying not to panic): you mean… the… the sun?!
Wife (rolling eyes): sigh

Don Sims

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Abuelo

Recent research has shown that women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than the men who mention it.

Don Sims

Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves? The lavatory

Don Sims

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

Don Sims

An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar

Engineer: My good sirs, without engineers people would still be living in huts

Physicist: But alas my good sir, engineering is simply applied physics

Mathematician: But alas my good sir, physics is simply applied mathematics

"hearty laughter"

Philosopher: But alas my good sirs, mathematics is only applied philosophy

Mathematician: shut up and get us our drinks...

Don Sims

A man goes to find a Holy Knight of Trigonometry

His journey started after learning everything he could from his master, but he wanted to test his skills with one of the three knights.

A long journey took him across plains, he had to climb dangerous mountains, sail across perilous seas, and even fly over a river of lava, flowing from a volcano that hasn't died in years and years.

Suddenly, he spots rainfall coming from one spot, coming from infinity, but curving as it nears the land. The man treks through a jungle to find that the rainfall passes into a cave, and slides down a hole at the edge of the entrance. He throws a rock down the pit, but hears nothing but the rush of water.

"Who goes there!", a weary voice goes.

"A man looking for a knight with extraordinary powers, they say three brothers were knighted by the King of this land as the Trinity of Trigonometry, and I thought I'd be able to find someone here..."

An old man was wearing a toga which extended from his right arm down to his left leg (with an exposed left arm and right leg) shuffled from the darkness, his now white, scraggly beard covering most of his face, his eyes filled with the intelligence of one who has seen much, but is tired of living.

"So you've come to find a knight? Well, you've found a man who was one, once. I am the middle brother, the eldest being Sindbad, and the youngest being Cosmos"

The man looked the old hermit up and down, unsure of himself.

He asked,

"Are you Sir Tan?"

Don Sims

A man goes to his doctor because he's feeling sick and tired and generally rundown. Doctor orders some tests and tells him to come back first thing in the morning.

The next morning, the doctor looks grave.

"Sir, I regret to have to tell you you have psoriasis, multiple sclerosis, toenail fungus, aortic immobility, high bad cholesterol, low good cholesterol, gingivitis, the trots, the gallops, herpes complex, herpes simplex, herpes diabolix, double hannenframmis, diabetes type three and a half, upside down kidney syndrome, black lung, yellow fever, pinkeye, an excess of green bile, Dutch elm disease, impacted earwax, and something that we can only call cancer of everything.

The man is absolutely stunned. "Oh my gosh, doc, is all that fatal?"

The doctor can only slowly nod.

"Well, how long do I have?"

"I'd say... uh, maybe... ten?"

"'Ten'? Ten *what*?! Ten weeks? Ten months? Ten days? Ten WHAT?"

The doctor, eyes on his watch: "Seven... six... five..."

Don Sims

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

Don Sims

Yo mama so dumb...

...she argues endlessly that Frodo could have just ridden a giant eagle into Mordor and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom from the air, even though all the characters in the book say over and over again that Sauron can SEE EVERYWHERE and that stealth was their only hope of getting anywhere with the Ring. Did it ever occur to yo mama that Sauron's GIANT EYE may notice a squadron of eagles flying straight for him carrying a halfling for no apparent reason, unable to hide or take any kind of cover? And that once his attention was well and truly focused on them, He would likely sense the presence of the Ring and be able to take action against them, like flying Nazgul or arrows or fireballs or any number of crazy evil magical spells? And that even if Frodo and the Bird Brigade were able to get past whatever Sauron would throw at them and get into Mordor, they would be flying straight into a very active volcano spewing smoke and ash everywhere, messing with visibility and trajectory and making it like trying to drop a penny onto the roof of an apartment building in the middle of a heavy fog from a biplane that's currently on fire? And that if they missed or were captured, they would basically be handing Sauron the Ring on a silver platter? DID YO MAMA EVER THINK OF THAT? HUH?!

Don Sims

They say the Principle of Least Action is the most fundamental thing in physics.

But when I tried it, I flunked my physics class.

Don Sims

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone, "Hello... security, this is the retail department. We have another non-compliant sub-atomic particle. We need to keep this current going guys. Please send some dark energy agents to fix this quickly."

The Quantum Bureau swiftly responded, on condition that the client wasn't watching them.

Don Sims

When I come across a fraction,

I am looking first at the numerator,

if there is enough to be fractated.

If not,

then I tell,

see you later, denominator.

Don Sims

Two magnets walk into a bar

Once they’re through the door, they immediately fly to other sides of the room.

The bartender comes up to one of them and asks, “What happened to you two? I thought you were practically inseparable."

The magnet replies, “After what happened this weekend…” It shakes its head. “It was so polarizing, we can’t even be close to each other.”

Don Sims

A group of engineering teachers walk onto a plane..

..the teachers were on their way to an engineering conference. The pilot came on the intercom and welcomed the teachers on board. He then said, "Teachers, we have word that your students completed all the math and physics that went into building this plane."

In a hurry, all the teachers rushed out of their seats and got off the plane. One teacher remained.

When they asked him why he didn't rush off the plane with the others, he simply said, "If I know my students, this plane isn't going anywhere."

Don Sims

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.

"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.

"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."

"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?" asks the Dean. "All they need are pencils, paper, and a garbage can."

"...Or..." the Dean continued, "Even better, the philosophy department. They don't even need the garbage can."