Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

Male or Female

Old 12-10-2010, 10:21 AM
  #1  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Talking Male or Female

Male or female
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-10-2010, 10:26 AM
  #2  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Doctor's talk
An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-10-2010, 10:28 AM
  #3  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Smart duck
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-10-2010, 10:31 AM
  #4  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Liver and cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-10-2010, 10:46 AM
  #5  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Golf
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say mass for him that day.

As soon as the associate pastor left the room, father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.

After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished.

He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-10-2010, 10:47 PM
  #6  
pyroarch57
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 58
Default

-----------------
pyroarch57 is offline  
Old 12-10-2010, 10:48 PM
  #7  
pyroarch57
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 58
Default

Some funny stuff there Chellie, keep em coming.
pyroarch57 is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 01:55 AM
  #8  
tobydogs
love to build!
 
tobydogs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: nj usa
Posts: 3,692
Default

yes ,please do!!!!! it seems with all the problems in our world today a good joke is a welcome relief


thanks chellie!............now if only i can find a laugh to share.
tobydogs is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 03:26 AM
  #9  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Originally Posted by pyroarch57 View Post
Some funny stuff there Chellie, keep em coming.
Originally Posted by stuart View Post
yes ,please do!!!!! it seems with all the problems in our world today a good joke is a welcome relief


thanks chellie!............now if only i can find a laugh to share.
Hi Guys I needed a laugh too, I was feeling a little down, so the Jokes Really helped to perk me up too LOL Take care and Have fun, Chellie
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 03:33 AM
  #10  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

The Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'"

The men would ask, "'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 03:38 AM
  #11  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Wish
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate.

She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa."

"It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 03:46 AM
  #12  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house, drool, and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year lifespan."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch, drool, and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. CHELLIE
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 03:49 AM
  #13  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Heaven's rule
Three old friends pass away together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, one of the friends accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman the man has ever seen.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second friend accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first friend.

The third friend observes all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any duck but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The man asks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The women replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 03:52 AM
  #14  
Bub Steve
Super Contributor
 
Bub Steve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Shadeville Fl,
Posts: 7,189
Default

thanks Chellie,,,whof!whof! drool, drool, bubsteve
Bub Steve is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 04:02 AM
  #15  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 04:22 AM
  #16  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Gender roles
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 01:14 PM
  #17  
billintn
Member
 
billintn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Paris, Tn
Posts: 654
Default

Thank you, Chellie. Made my week. Needed a good laugh.

Cheers, Bill
billintn is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 07:57 PM
  #18  
pyroarch57
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 58
Default

Jeez Chellie! Where do you find them all You have more than our own Bob Monkhouse!
By the way "Got any bread"
pyroarch57 is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 08:25 PM
  #19  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Originally Posted by pyroarch57 View Post
Jeez Chellie! Where do you find them all You have more than our own Bob Monkhouse!
By the way "Got any bread"
Here you go some are a little Raw, I could not use them, I wanted to but Wattflyers is Rated PG ok G rated.

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/jokes.php

Last edited by CHELLIE; 12-12-2010 at 06:24 AM.
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-11-2010, 08:29 PM
  #20  
CHELLIE
Super Contributor
Thread Starter
 
CHELLIE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hesperia, So. Calif
Posts: 19,264
Default

Originally Posted by stevecooper View Post
thanks Chellie,,,whof!whof! drool, drool, bubsteve
Originally Posted by billintn View Post
Thank you, Chellie. Made my week. Needed a good laugh.

Cheers, Bill
Originally Posted by pyroarch57 View Post
Jeez Chellie! Where do you find them all You have more than our own Bob Monkhouse!
By the way "Got any bread"
Hi Guys I needed a Good Laugh too Hope you enjoyed the Jokes that I was able to post its G rated here there are more jokes in the link above, Warning some are Raw, Take care, Chellie

WARNING ********** DONT STEP ON ANY DUCKS LOL

Last edited by CHELLIE; 12-12-2010 at 08:26 AM.
CHELLIE is offline  
Old 12-13-2010, 09:26 PM
  #21  
SKYPILEIT
~ I respect the roll ~
 
SKYPILEIT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Salem,Mich.
Posts: 81
Smile

very cute Chellie.!

SKYPILEIT is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.

Page generated in 0.09582 seconds with 12 queries