Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

One Liners

Old 08-31-2022, 12:57 PM
  #76  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Lightbulb

At first I was confused when my boss told me to go get the Geiger counter...…but then it clicked.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 09-02-2022, 01:00 PM
  #77  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Thumbs up

I stopped in at a tiny local doughnut shop the other day. Amazing selection, and it's only a hole in the wall place.



I started cutting 1.5 acres of lawn with an 18" push mower this morning. It's mid afternoon, and I'm still reeling.



What's a cycling musician's least favourite note on the scale? A -flat.



What do you pay the police force working the 6pm to 6 am shift? Copper Nitrate.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 09-03-2022, 01:35 PM
  #78  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
info

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 09-05-2022, 01:11 PM
  #79  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Build Review

I always keep a joke in my pocket. My dad always has, and his father had before him. It's in my genes.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 09-06-2022, 01:50 PM
  #80  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Question

What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 09-07-2022, 02:17 PM
  #81  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Angry

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 09-25-2022, 02:09 PM
  #82  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Angry

I thought I was buying shares in a peanut farm. But it was just a shell company.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 09-29-2022, 12:08 PM
  #83  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Question

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect? They're the brightest one.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 09-30-2022, 02:34 PM
  #84  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Exclamation

What do you do when you see 2 snails fighting? Nothing....Let them slug it out.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-03-2022, 01:01 PM
  #85  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Build Review

A skeleton walked into a bar and said, "Bartender, give me a beer, ... and a mop."
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-04-2022, 01:38 PM
  #86  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Red face

Last night I was going to cook some alligator for dinner. Then I realized I only had a croc pot.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-07-2022, 01:06 PM
  #87  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Arrow

A coworker came over to my cubicle and asked if we have a ruler in the office. Me: No, but we have a boss.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-08-2022, 02:48 PM
  #88  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Default

Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle, and one snail turns to the other and says, "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-09-2022, 01:34 PM
  #89  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Question

What kind of dog does a chemist have? A lab.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-10-2022, 01:22 PM
  #90  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Cool

It was time to feed the dog, so I asked my wife, "Have you seen the dog bowl?" She said. "No, but I've seen him catch a Frisbee."
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-11-2022, 01:39 PM
  #91  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Smile

I guess y'all heard about the Egyptian pharaoh whose side job has just come to light? He was raising hogs... yep, ol' Pork Cheops...
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-15-2022, 01:15 PM
  #92  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
info

Made a Hawaiian pizza for dinner and burnt it to a crisp...... Should have cooked it at aloha temperature...
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-16-2022, 01:01 PM
  #93  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Question

What happens when you don't pay your exorcism bill? You get repossessed.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-17-2022, 01:17 PM
  #94  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
info

People always call me a walking dictionary I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-18-2022, 01:14 PM
  #95  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Lightbulb

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-19-2022, 01:29 PM
  #96  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
info

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert, If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-21-2022, 01:24 PM
  #97  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
info

Today I learned alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that......they *will* see you later!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-30-2022, 01:02 PM
  #98  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
info

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes
Don Sims is offline  
Old 10-31-2022, 12:43 PM
  #99  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Thumbs up

Give a man an inch, and right away he thinks he's a ruler.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 11-01-2022, 12:57 PM
  #100  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,699
Question

A dung beetle walks into a bar. "Is this stool taken?"
Don Sims is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright © 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.

Page generated in 0.19378 seconds with 9 queries