Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

Yep

Old 05-22-2022, 12:05 PM
  #26  
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A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
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Old 05-23-2022, 11:55 AM
  #27  
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Question

A new guy got a job in a big corporation.

One day, he took up the phone and accidentally called the CEO's office.

"*Bring me coffee!*"

"**Do you know who you're talking to?"** he heard a voice reply.

"*No*", replied the new guy.

"**I'm the CEO of this whole company, you moron!**"

"*And do \*you\* know who you're talking to*?"

"**No**", replied the CEO.

"*Good!*" and he ended the call.
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Old 05-24-2022, 10:23 AM
  #28  
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The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.
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Old 05-25-2022, 12:21 PM
  #29  
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Unhappy

Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by hardened criminals and other violent types, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a place to sit.

An older man, who looked to be in his 60’s, motioned the CEO over and invited him to sit, to which he obliges. The older man says “my name is Walt. Son, I can see how nervous you are, but try and relax. Daily life on the inside isn’t nearly as scary as you’ve seen in the movies. There’ll be some bad days, but for the most part, it’s relatively peaceful.” Robert thanks him and takes a deep breath and starts eating his lunch.

About 5 minutes pass by and another prisoner stands up and yells “23!” The entire chow hall breaks out into laughter. Robert looks around, slightly startled. A few minutes later another prisoner stands up and yells “16!” Again, laughter breaks out. Another 5 minutes pass and someone stands up and yells “144!” The prison is almost hysterical with laughter, even the guards are starting to laugh.

Understandably, this confuses Robert so he asks Walt “what’s going on? Why is everyone laughing over numbers?” Walt replies “you see, most of us are here for life. At this point, we’ve heard every joke in the book a million times. So, to save time, we have decided to number every joke. When someone stands up and yells a number, we know which joke they’re referring to, and it makes us laugh.”

Robert sees this as his opportunity to fit in, so he says “you know what? I’m going to give it a shot.” So Robert stand up and confidently yells “74!” The whole place is silent. Robert is taken aback, but he tries again “35!” Again there’s silence. Everyone is just staring at Robert. He uncomfortably clears his throat and tries one more time “154?” Still nothing.

Defeated, Robert sits back down. Robert looks at Walt and says “I don’t understand what happened.”

Walt replies, “Sorry man, some people just can’t tell a joke.”
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Old 05-26-2022, 12:02 PM
  #30  
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Lightbulb

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
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Old 05-28-2022, 11:29 AM
  #31  
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Wink

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”
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Old 05-29-2022, 01:07 PM
  #32  
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Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it. Honestly, your sentences will just sound wrong. Everyone will notice you're doing something different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll use weird words. It's not worth the effort involved in spending time online looking up tons of synonyms which don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted prose. You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.
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Old 05-30-2022, 12:15 PM
  #33  
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Two older couples are hanging out together.

While the ladies are talking in the kitchen, Jim said, "Bill, we ate at a really good restaurant the other night. The food was good, the prices were reasonable, and the service was excellent."

Bill replied, "Oh yeah? What's the name of the place, I've been looking for a new restaurant."

Clearly looking puzzled for a few seconds, Jim finally replied, "My memory is just so bad. What's the name of that flower with the red petals and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?" said Bill.

"Yeah that's it!" Jim then turned towards the kitchen and yelled to his wife, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we ate at the other night?"
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Old 05-31-2022, 11:40 AM
  #34  
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So there are these two rich old men who live next to each other...

At the on the border of their land is a pool that conjoins the two luxurious estates. In this pool each man has a pet dolphin. Every day, the two old men stand at the edge of the pool, and argue about who's dolphin is the smartest. This has gone in for years.

Then one day the first neighbor says "Let's settle thus once and for all!"

So the two men begin to devise a test to determine which dolphin is the smartest. They spare no expense. There are obstacle courses, memory tests, decoding puzzles, hoops to jump through; the whole nine yards.

As the day of the test comes closer, the first neighbor starts to get nervous. He thinks to himself, "What if my dolphin loses...I would be humiliated." So he decides to drug his neighbor's dolphin.

The day of the test arrives and of course the first neighbor wins with flying colors. He gloats his victory for months...but after a while he begins to feel guilty...

So he tells his neighbor "Hey neighbor, I have to come clean. I cheated in the dolphin test. I drugged your dolphin. We don't really know who's dolphin is the smartest."

His neighbor looks at him and says, "You know, that really defeated the porpoise."
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Old 06-04-2022, 12:18 PM
  #35  
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Lightbulb

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads:

“Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each”

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ‘em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talking’ ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so’s they don't know we are from Alabama.”

They go in and Bubba says, with his best fake Georgia drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and…”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Alabama, ain’t ya?”

"Well…yeah,” says a surprised Bubba…."How come you knowed that?”

"Because this is a dry cleaners”
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Old 06-08-2022, 11:02 AM
  #36  
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Exclamation

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes a taste of his own medicine.
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Old 06-09-2022, 12:57 PM
  #37  
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Question

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"
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Old 06-10-2022, 11:58 AM
  #38  
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Default

"Make me one with everything," says the Zen master to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Zen master hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Zen master looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
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Old 06-11-2022, 12:40 PM
  #39  
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Thumbs down

So this entrepreneur is setting up a bungee jumping tower in Mexico.

And of course all the construction and publicity has garnered a crowd. Well the entrepreneur, seeing an opportunity to wow the crowd, volunteers to be the first person to jump.

So he is strapped in and over the edge he goes, and the crowd goes wild!

But when his crew goes to retrieve him after his jump, he is all beaten and bloodied. They ask if he hit the ground or something.

He says "Well... we should probably shorten the rope a little more... also, what does 'piñata' mean?"
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Old 06-18-2022, 11:36 AM
  #40  
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Exclamation

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?"

"I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains.

"The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."
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Old 06-18-2022, 11:40 AM
  #41  
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Build Review

Two blondes were on a plane to New York.

About two hours into the flight, the pilot speaks over the intercom, "Attention ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have burst one of our engines. No need to panic; we still have three more. Our arrival time has been delayed by about an hour. We sincerely apologize for any inconveniences."

After another half hour, the pilot again goes on the intercom, "It looks like another engine just went out, folks. We still have two more, but our arrival time has been delayed by about 90 minutes."

"Oh gosh," one blonde remarked to the other, "if we lose those other two engines, we be up here all day!"
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Old 06-24-2022, 11:34 AM
  #42  
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Default

A man down on his luck went to an oracle and asked him to tell him the numbers that will change his life.

The oracle took his glass orb, searched the man's future and told him “The numbers I see in your future are 3419807.”

The man, happy with these numbers, goes to a convenience store and buys a lottery ticket with his last few dollars and uses the numbers 3419807.

The next day the lottery numbers are revealed and it’s completely different from what he chose. The man is enraged, goes to the oracle and mightily assaults him for scamming him.

He’s sent to prison for assault and battery. As he’s picking up his uniform, he notices the numbers "3419807" written on the lapel...
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Old 06-24-2022, 11:45 AM
  #43  
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Lightbulb

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
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