Don Sims

A man calls over a waiter during his meal: 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!'

'Look on the bright side Sir', replied the waiter, 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'

Don Sims

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her what her password was.

She poked around in her notebook, and said "required".

It was the wrong password, so I told her, and she looked up at me and said, 'I know that it is right. I remember it said, "Your password is required."'

Don Sims

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:

"Get your sword forged for cheap"

Don Sims

Simon met up with Tim for coffee

Simon Said: "Wasn‘t yesterday‘s power cut a nightmare! I was stuck in an elevator for 4 hours!“

"Oh, you had it easy,“ said Tim. "I was left standing on an escalator for 5 hours!“

Don Sims

A Lumberjack went for a job

The interviewer said, "Tell me about your previous employment."

He said, "I cut down all the trees in the Sahara."

"But the Sahara is a desert."

"Yeah, it is now."

Don Sims

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he finished reading on the way home.

The man stormed into the house, walked up to his wife, and pointing a finger in her face, said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? "

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Abuelo

I once tripped and fell on an up escalator and fell down the stairs for 10 minutes.

Don Sims

Two elderly couples are having coffee

The husbands are talking, and one says "Oh, we went to this most wonderful restaurant the other night. You should try it. It's down by the river. But I just can't seem to remember it's name. Help me out...what's the name of the flower, it's usually red, it has thorns, you give it to someone you love?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yeah, that's it! Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?"

Don Sims

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Don Sims

1st grade is wild! You're learning how to be human, how to write things down, how to manage friendships and follow rules, and all the while, teeth are falling out all over the place.
(It's sorta similar to a senior center.)

Don Sims

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?"

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

Don Sims

An elderly man ordered forty-two coffees.

I said “you sure?”

He nodded yes…

I poured about 7 coffees and he started shouting stop! stop! stop!

I’m like “what happened?!”

He repeated his order “I want 4 tea 2 coffee” …

Don Sims

An old snake is feeling his age.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Don Sims

So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.

He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.

So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"

The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on your desk.'"

Don Sims

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

Don Sims

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

Don Sims

A man on a business trip went out for breakfast

When the waitress came to his booth, she asked, "What can we get you?"

The man paused and said, "I'll tell you what- I'd like the special, but I want my toast burned to a crisp, my bacon rubbery, my coffee weak and when you bring me the food I want you to yell at me."

Puzzled, the waitress said, "What are you, crazy?!"

"No," said the man, "I'm homesick."

Don Sims

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him.

The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with, “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table!”

The female officer looks confused and asks him to elaborate.

“It’s really strange but whenever I leave things on this coffee table they disappear and reappear somewhere else. When I leave take away containers on it they disappear and reappear in the trash. When I leave dirty plates and mugs on it, they disappear and reappear in the cupboards washed, dried and stacked neatly and even when I leave my dirty clothes on it they disappear! and reappear cleaned and neatly folded on my bed.”

The female police officer looks at the man and says, “Oh my god, you’re an idiot. No wonder your girlfriend has left you.”

And the male officer says, “I don’t think she’s left him. I think he’s right. I’ve got the same coffee table at my house.”

Don Sims

The Daughter's Confession



Mandy asks her mother for a few minutes to have a serious conversation. Concerned for her college-age daughter, Nina stops what she's doing and makes them coffee. They sit for a few minutes, with Mandy looking nervous.

"What is it, sweetie?" her mother asks. You know you can tell me anything."

Mandy manages a sickly smile.

"Well, you may judge me for this.. and PLEASE don't tell dad!"

"What IS IT?" her mother demands.

"Do you know the neighbor, Jeremy, who I study with?"

"Yes..." says her mother cautiously.

"And you know his dad, Ronald?"

"Ah ha..." her mother looks more concerned every second.

"I think I'm in love with him!" Mandy blurts it out.

Her mother is shocked.

"I won't allow it!"

"Mom, you can't tell me who to love!"

"He could be your father!" shouts Nina.

"I don't care about the age difference!" the daughter shoots back.

Her mother sighs.

"I think you misunderstood me."

Don Sims

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”

His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

Don Sims

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Don Sims

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)

Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

Don Sims

A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...

Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.

"There's only two things you need to know. To make him go, say 'Thank goodness'. To make him stop, say 'Woah'."

The businessman thanked the mechanic, put his briefcase in the saddlebag, and shouted "Thank goodness".

Now, the donkey quickly got into a regular rhythm, and the businessman, tired for lack of sleep, soon feel asleep. He awoke sometime later to see the donkey idiotically careening towards a cliff. "WOAH" he shouted, and the donkey started to slow down. Just at the edge of the cliff, the donkey comes to a full stop.

"Phew," the man said "Thank goodness"

Don Sims

One day, Miley Cyrus had a business suit on and was carrying a briefcase.

When she walked outside, a man noticed what she was wearing.

"Wow, you're looking fancy. Where are you even going?" the man asked.

She responded "Twerk."

Don Sims

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice:
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man:
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."