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Old 05-14-2021, 01:01 AM
  #1  
Panther
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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man, Robert, to hand over the jewelry and money.

Robert started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her ! “

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Robert: “No, but she will be home shortly
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Old 05-14-2021, 01:34 AM
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Are you a Democrat -
a Republican - or a Southerner ?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat’s Answer:

What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack Could we run
away?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?

Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior?

I hope they haven’t defunded this city’s police department, yet.
… … … … … … … …

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

… … … … … … … …

Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click… (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy!’
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’

Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to a taxidermist.
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Old 06-02-2021, 06:33 PM
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The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the 2 metre/6 foot social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
They also report they have members from all around the globe.


My wife said to get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

When I got home, I realized I picked 7 up instead.

A kid was admitted to the hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horse toys.

His condition was described as stable.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when

he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning .

The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Designed for Road Rage?








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Old 06-02-2021, 11:02 PM
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Abuelo
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Do you know what a dyslexic agnostic insomniac does?


Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Old 06-03-2021, 12:43 AM
  #5  
Don Sims
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Lolololol
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